Tuesday, May 7, 2013

The Thing(s) I'm Most Afraid Of

I'm scared of everything. Don't believe me? I'll go ahead and list some of my fears for you now:

+ Loud Noises [A car I was in when I was a baby was shot out once and has scarred me
    whenever I hear loud, abrupt noises. Read: Fireworks]
+Spiders. Just... I can't.
+Tornadoes/Severe thunderstorms. And thanks to the past two Summers of East Coast
   weather, I can now add falling trees and hurricanes to this list.
+Flying used to be a big fear of mine but I am in the conquering stages right now!
+Michael Myers from Halloween.
+I even used to say cliche things like "failure" when people asked me what my greatest
   fears were.

But then, one night a couple years ago while lying in bed all the way in Utah, away from all of my family, in a place where I didn't even have any memories with my family, I felt a sense of fear I have never felt before. I feared losing my parents while living there. It was impossible for me to fathom what it would feel like if I got that phone call. Or if I had to deal with losing my mom or dad. I just literally could not even comprehend what that would feel like.

It scared me so deeply. It terrified me. Absolutely terrified me to the point where I sobbed myself to sleep on several occasions. I felt powerless. I think we often coast through our youth and teenage and sometimes even our college years without really thinking about mortality and truly accepting that one day we are going to lose the people we love most to death. And then one day after I matured, went to classmates' funerals and funerals of a grandparent and great uncles, it hit my soul that my parents wouldn't always be there.

And the thought of not having my mom or dad one day - having them one day and then never having them again the next - it hit hard. I had no idea at the time that I would lose my mom six months later. My biggest fear in life happened sooner than I ever could have realized. And now my biggest fear is losing my dad.

Aside from loss, which I think is a common fear among many of us, I fear not being able to have children when that times comes in my life. I try not to cave to the pressures of society to have children at a younger age, because I clearly will be an older mother, but that fear will always be there.

I was always fearful that my children would never be able to meet their grandparents, the same way I never got to meet my mom's late parents. Now I know she'll never be able to meet them here on Earth. If I can have children one day, they'll know her through pictures and stories and videos. But they'll never get to call her "Grammie" the way both of my brothers' children have.

Just like my mom never had a mother there to teach her as she entered into motherhood, I'll never have a mom to teach me either. I pray that one day I can have children and that they can meet their grandfather and feel her embrace through his. Until then, all I can do is pray.


Cassie Marshall said...

My greatest fear is also losing people I love. I didn't blog on the prompt today, but I can relate to everything you're saying. I have lost many, although I am still fortunate to have my parents. My heart aches for you that you had to lose your mother, but it makes it that much easier to appreciate those in your life that you still have and really creates a sense of togetherness which is beautiful in itself.

Jenn said...

I completely forgot about my own fear of not being able to have kids when the time comes, too. I think it's definitely because we've both had such positive relationships with our parents and we want to have the same thing with our future kids.
My parents are older....my dad WAY older (more like grandparent age) and it has terrified me since I was really little, about losing a parent. When I met my best friend's mom in 6th grade, one of the first things I asked her was if something happened to my parents, would she take care of me (I don't remember this, but she does). It's something I'm still scared of.
I think you're an incredibly strong person, Chelsea, and I want you to know that I KNOW your mom is so proud of you, the girl who chases her dreams! :)

Holly said...

I didn't think about loss much growing up. I can still count on one hand the number of funerals I've attended, but losing my grandma last October made death real. It made the feeling of loss real. I fear losing the people I love (including my pets), even though I know its inevitable. I'm reading a book called Proof of Heaven by Eben Alexander and it gives me hope that my loved ones will still live on and that I will see them again. You should read it if you haven't already :)

JC Carter said...

This one got me all teary eyed.

Wonderful post.

heidi said...

I'm not scared of spiders, it's bugs I'm scared of, spiders eat bugs so therefore they are tolerable.

Heidi’s Wanderings

Jennifer Lynn said...

Awe what a touching post. The thing that scares me the most is death. I am so scared of dying. It really gets to me when I sit and think that one day I am going to die, and there is nothing that I can do about it. Scares the crap out of me.

Katie said...

I went through a phase where I was constantly fearing I was going to lose my parents also. I had no reason to think they would pass, but I would cry and call at random times of the day to check on them. Neither of my parents are old.

I also have no reason to think that I would not be able to have children when that time comes, but its a fear of mine. I think it's because I want them so badly. I want to be a mom more than anything in the world. I have had this fear for years.

Katie Did What said...

Sweet Chelsea, our biggest fear is the same. I have been struggling with that exact thought recently a LOT. I just pray that my memories and pictures and stories can be enough for my kids to really feel my mom, you know? It is the number one worry that I experience on a daily basis. I love you and you are beautiful. I love what you said about them "feeling her embrace through his." YES. Email me or text me if you ever want to talk.


CeCe said...

I have the same fear of losing my parents. It's so scary, yet there is nothing that we can do about it nor do we have a choice in the matter. I can't even imagine the pain but like everything else in life I guess you just do somehow. I'm so sorry that you have had to deal with such loss so young.

Chelsea said...

I didn't think about losing people when I was little, and honestly to this day I still don't. But only because I'm too afraid to confront it. I don't want to deal with wondering what it would be like without the people I love the most. So I guess in a way I'm in denial sorta. Even though I know it'll happen one day. Even though you won't have your mom to help you through motherhood, I have a feeling you're going to be an amazing mother :)

Betty Taylor said...

Maybe you just had a real feeling that something was going to happen. I am so sorry you lost your mother. Your children will know her through you. All the time you spend with your mother made you who you are today. You will pass that on to your children.


Sarah at Midwest Pillowtalk said...

youre beautiful.
im sorry for your loss.