+ Loud Noises [A car I was in when I was a baby was shot out once and has scarred me
whenever I hear loud, abrupt noises. Read: Fireworks]
+Spiders. Just... I can't.
+Tornadoes/Severe thunderstorms. And thanks to the past two Summers of East Coast
weather, I can now add falling trees and hurricanes to this list.
+Michael Myers from Halloween.
+I even used to say cliche things like "failure" when people asked me what my greatest
But then, one night a couple years ago while lying in bed all the way in Utah, away from all of my family, in a place where I didn't even have any memories with my family, I felt a sense of fear I have never felt before. I feared losing my parents while living there. It was impossible for me to fathom what it would feel like if I got that phone call. Or if I had to deal with losing my mom or dad. I just literally could not even comprehend what that would feel like.
It scared me so deeply. It terrified me. Absolutely terrified me to the point where I sobbed myself to sleep on several occasions. I felt powerless. I think we often coast through our youth and teenage and sometimes even our college years without really thinking about mortality and truly accepting that one day we are going to lose the people we love most to death. And then one day after I matured, went to classmates' funerals and funerals of a grandparent and great uncles, it hit my soul that my parents wouldn't always be there.
And the thought of not having my mom or dad one day - having them one day and then never having them again the next - it hit hard. I had no idea at the time that I would lose my mom six months later. My biggest fear in life happened sooner than I ever could have realized. And now my biggest fear is losing my dad.
Aside from loss, which I think is a common fear among many of us, I fear not being able to have children when that times comes in my life. I try not to cave to the pressures of society to have children at a younger age, because I clearly will be an older mother, but that fear will always be there.
I was always fearful that my children would never be able to meet their grandparents, the same way I never got to meet my mom's late parents. Now I know she'll never be able to meet them here on Earth. If I can have children one day, they'll know her through pictures and stories and videos. But they'll never get to call her "Grammie" the way both of my brothers' children have.
Just like my mom never had a mother there to teach her as she entered into motherhood, I'll never have a mom to teach me either. I pray that one day I can have children and that they can meet their grandfather and feel her embrace through his. Until then, all I can do is pray.