Letting go. I've learned more about letting go during the past year and a half of my life than I've learned about anything else. Letting go means releasing all control to the Universe. It means abandoning your own power, hopes, and expectations and surrendering to the outcome, whatever and whenever it may be.
I am horrible at letting go. Especially when I still feel like there is something I can do. In some cases, like when I was faced with my mom's prognosis, you have two choices: I could accept that she would die soon or I could have denied it. I chose to accept it. Which, I didn't realize until now meant that I let go. I let go of the outcome. I knew that God was going to take her and that there was nothing I could do to change that. I had to let go and accept the fact that I'd never hug her again, hear her voice again, or kiss her on the cheek.
And whether it's a life or a relationship or a job - whatever it may be - sometimes we just have to accept that, much to our dismay, it is gone. For the past couple months since I moved to San Diego, I've struggled with love. With finding the right person and not the wrong person again. And I've met someone whom, over time, I have developed feelings for but we're both kind of in this weird phase. As exciting as it has been, it's terrifying. It's exhausting and discouraging and sometimes painful to go through this process again, especially after how things ended for me the last time I fell head over heels. But, time and time again, I've been on the phone with my dad and he reminds me that I must take it one day at a time and that everything will work out.
It sounds so cliche but I know how right he is. He reminds me that I am powerless. That the Universe knows the life for me and everything will happen when it is meant to but that I have to let go. Every aspect of my life is in Limbo right now and it's a very unsettling feeling, especially for a perfectionist like me. I like planning. I like details. I like being prepared. So, when life is like it has been lately, there are some very tough days.
I am learning what it truly means to be patient. And I am learning even more so how difficult it is to be content in these phases of our life when all we can do is let go, be patient, and surrender to the outcome.