New Dreams and New Places

"It's the losing of love that makes us who we are.

The loss of a parent.

Who you thought you might be.

But it's also filled with promise and the possibility of opening your heart to new beginnings.

And new dreams and new places.

The city was no longer a fantasy.

It was real.

And I knew now I wasn't searching for something or somebody here.

I was searching for me.

Who I was.

Who I wanted to be."

-The Carrie Diaries

The last two years of my life have really throw me off balance.

The approaching time of year is especially difficult for me.
It's painful to look at the calendar and remember where I was this time 2 years ago [getting ready to be married] and last year [unknowingly spending the last month with my mom]
It still hits hard.
And I'm not afraid to admit that.

Losing the love that I lost changed me.
It grounded me. Centered me. Made me an even deeper thinker than I already was.
It changed my faith. My health. My expectations.

The truth is, I moved to San Diego alone - no best friends, no family. Just me.
I was at a point in my life where my job did nothing for me other than bring me down.
Many of my friendships felt unconnected and moving in opposite directions.
And while I had grown even closer to my family, I knew what I had to do.

I knew life was too short to put this dream on hold.
Or to jeopardize never even making it a reality.
But aside from that, I knew I needed to be alone.
To create my own life away from the comforts of my hometown.
I knew I needed to re-build the part of me that I had lost.
With new dreams and new places.

So, here I am.
I'm standing.
On my own.
Where I belong.

[San Diego]

My Word of the Year

On Friday, I wrote about something called My One Word. If you haven’t already, go read about it here because today, I am revealing my ONE word!

I’ve felt an unbelievable amount of growth within myself thus far this year. Just this past month, I’ve felt my heart, soul, and mind grow. I’ve gained knowledge about myself that I never had. I’ve inwardly attacked some of my biggest weaknesses. I’ve embraced my strengths and continued to learn more about them and how I can better use them.
It’s been a process and every day is a new day to learn.
And grow.

This year has felt different.
I’ve felt different.

Earlier in life, I started off as this conscientiousness, go-getter, totally involved in everything type of girl. Going to every acting school/class I could, student government, captain of my dance teams, writing until my hands fell asleep. I was a dreamer and believed 100% that I could achieve anything I put my mind to. I wasn’t scared of the real world.

Then, as I got older, I started doubting myself. Comparing myself. Underestimating myself. If you asked me to describe myself, I had no idea what to say. I realized that a lot of the time, I was stuck in between this vision of who I wanted to be and the vision of what I thought I was “supposed” to be, how I was supposed to think, and what I was supposed to believe and more importantly, expect from myself and other people.

I’ve finally been able to start putting those “supposed to’s” aside and start figuring out what I want my life to look like.
More importantly, I’ve started doing.
For so long, I’ve had dreams but I’ve second-guessed them or talked myself out of them. For so long, I’ve wanted to tackle my weaknesses. For so long, I’ve been thinking of plans. For so long, I’ve just felt like I spend all my time “figuring out” what I want to do, be, say, etc. that I’ve never actually gotten to that point.

So, I decided on my word this year. It was quite easy to come up with and it’s a word that I’m excited to focus all my attention and efforts to throughout the rest of 2012.

Become.

No more talking myself out of things or doubting my talents. No more spending all my time “figuring things out.” It’s time to actually become those things and that woman that I’ve been trying to become all along.

So, this will probably mean I’ll have to channel the sixth grade version of myself when I had no fear and was full of determination and confidence :)
Sure, life was different then, but, the time I have here on this Earth hasn’t changed.
I put myself to work then and I’m putting myself to work now. I’m ready to see the results. I’m ready to become.

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I plan to surround myself with prints and pictures like the above.
To surround myself with people who encourage me to become who I really am.
To surround myself with thoughts, words, and sounds that inspire me.
To surround myself with faith and light.

This is my year to become.
After that, my dreams will be at my fingertips. Anything will be possible.

I’m excited to document my progress here on this blog :)

So, now tell me – what’s your word?

Choose Your Word

Wow, thank you everyone for your sweet words on Wednesday’s wedding post. I’m so glad I decided to share those pictures with you :) All of the positive comments and emails truly mean the world to me!

There just wasn’t enough time in the day yesterday to post. I hate that feeling. I’ve always loved taking the time to come up with my blog posts and browse around Blogland and comment on everyone’s awesome posts. However, it’s been hard to do so lately and I really don’t like the way that feels. It’s like having that last thing that you can’t check off your list. Anyone else ever feel that way?

Today I wanted to share something with you that I found about a week or two ago over on Tara’s blog. It’s called My One Word.

It’s a different approach to the well-known but many times ineffective “New Year’s Resolution.”
Lose ten pounds. Stop biting my nails. Save more money.
Don’t get me wrong - I think having a resolution to a problem is a wonderful thing and working toward one goal can be so beneficial in the end. But, when I heard about My One Word, and read about it, and studied it, I knew I had to take part in it. I’ve been thinking of it ever since.

Instead of trying to solve a problem from the past, My One Word encourages us to move toward the future.

It’s based on the idea of becoming who God/The Universe created us to be. You pick out one word and live that word to its fullest every day this year, starting on February 1st. Let it become a part of you. Instead of a long list of things to change about ourselves, it’s one word for us to focus our energy, words, and actions on. It can be anything.

Since I found out about My One Word, I’ve been searching out my word in my heart. What do I want to focus on throughout this next year of my life? Where do I want to see myself in the future?

Maybe now you’re thinking about what your word could be or where you want to see yourself one year from now.
Start brainstorming. Search out your heart for that word that keeps tugging at you.
Perhaps these words below from Gandhi will help start the process :)

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I’m so excited to start living My One Word this year.

Be sure to stop by next Tuesday {January 31st} for the reveal of my word!

Do you have a unique way that helps you keep your resolutions? Do share!

Just Hold On

You’re probably expecting a Las Vegas recap by now, right? I’m taking my time on that. It will be a pretty big post {or two} so I’ll have to keep you waiting a little bit longer. I promise there will be good pictures and stories though :) Today, I’d like to reflect on how my Sunday went. As many of you know, I’ve been doing quite a bit of traveling lately and this was my first Sunday back in the DC area in a few weeks.

Church was on the agenda. In Virginia, I’ve only regularly gone to one church which is five minutes down the street from me. It was a congregation full of families living in this area. Well, my church also offers congregations of young singles – no families, no babies, just a bunch of people around the same age going to church. So, I figured I might as well start meeting with that congregation. I looked up church times. You’re assigned to a church time/location based on your location. The nearest building where singles would be meeting was about 30 minutes away and church started at 8:00am.

8:00. In the morning. Which meant I woke up at 6:00 for church.
It gets better.

I knew there were two different groups of singles meeting in this one building and according to the times listed, they were both meeting at 8:00am. That didn’t quite sound right to me. So, when I was walking in, I asked a guy where I could find my particular group. He said, “Oh, they meet here. But, not until 11:30.”
I beg your pardon.

Welp, I wasn’t about to either a) Drive half an hour back home only to drive back at 11:30 or b) Sit around for 3 and a half hours. So, I said to him, “Looks like I’m coming to church with you all today!” He promised I’d have a good time regardless.

Now, here’s where it begins looking up. I start walking into the chapel only to run into a girl I know! What are the odds? We hugged, she told me to come sit with her, and we chatted away until church started. Tell me that didn’t work out perfectly.

Here’s where I’ll say that I never plan to become preachy or super religious. I will, however, share some thoughts, lessons, or insights I receive whether I get them from church, a book, or even another person :)

So many of the things I heard in church yesterday were just what I needed to hear.
In one lesson, there was mention of something known as the “mist of darkness.” This girl told a story about her father who fought in Vietnam. He had said that at one point, the fog was so thick that they couldn’t see the person in front of them nor could they hear a thing. Can you imagine that?
Maybe, figuratively speaking, you’ve been there before. I think we all have in some way or another.
Stuck in the thickest of fogs. We can’t see. We can’t hear. We know there is a way out but we can’t see it for ourselves.

Well, this girl mentioned how you can’t just flick on a flashlight to help you see your way through. The only thing you can do is hold on to the one thing you know will guide you out of that darkness.

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What is that one thing for you?
Is it your faith? Your family? Your dreams?

We might not always be able to see the big picture or even the way out of a difficult, challenging time. But, we must keep holding on and keep going.

Just something to think about :)