Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Dancing Out of Place

I’m a dancer. Since I could walk, I’ve been dancing. It started off with learning how to point my toes, how to plié, how to shuffle-ball-change. Then it developed into learning how to do switch leaps, how to fouette, how to do turning discs. I bled dance, I sweat dance, I breathed dance. It was my life. I pushed myself physically and mentally. Everything I felt, I danced it. The older I’ve gotten, the less I’ve actually had the chance to dance like that. I miss it. My soul misses it.

While this picture isn’t of me, this is how I used to be during my first years of dancing

tumblr_ll46dqBcER1qzrkblo1_500_thumb

A confident little three year old, arms open to the world, surrounded by others, doing what I love.

Here’s what I feel like today.

tumblr_llvnj8LYVJ1qzvjn8o1_500_large

Older, although a little less confident, full of life and passion, but I dance alone in the middle of an unknown street.

There were specific moments yesterday where I felt out of place. Not necessarily uncomfortable like walking into a room and everyone knows each other except for you, but just out of place.

Something was off.

Something didn’t feel right in those moments.

I’ve noticed it a lot recently, to be honest. I’m sure a lot of it has to do with living in a place for the past year and four months that still isn’t home to me. I’ve felt inadequate and uncomfortable and lonely here. I’ve tried new things and gone out of my comfort zone again and again and still, that feeling.

Looking back, I can’t even specifically pin-point what it was yesterday that made me feel that way. It wasn’t a particular event or something someone said to me. It was a feeling that just hit me. Hard.

Have you seen the movie The Truman Show where, unbeknownst to him, his life is being recorded 24/7 and broadcast to people all over the world? The feeling kind of feels like that, where everyone’s in on my life except me and I’m living some life that wasn’t what I thought it was. It’s awkward, lonely, and confusing.

The only thing I can think of (thanks to the help of The Secret) is that something is off. The Secret says, if you’re feeling good, you’re creating a future that is in line with your desires but if you’re feeling bad, you’re creating a future that is not in line with your desires. So, maybe I am off track and all I can do is keep my mind set to my wants and the Universe will shift and realign for me…

Then I’ll be that confident girl, surrounded by others with the same passion and spunk, doing what ever it is that I love at that moment -- whether it’s getting nuzzles and purrs from my sweet cat, working hard at a rewarding career, or decorating my home with garland and poinsettias at Christmastime. 

Until then, I’ll be here… dancing out of place.

Pictures: We Heart It

2 comments:

ashlyn said...

im sorry you are feeling this way. i am sure that there is nothing anyone can say or do to help you cope or find your place in Utah. i do know the feeling tho -- i feel like that daily just being at school & not really having any true friends. & even when i go to visit nick it is the same exact way. and to be honest, there is nothing anyone can say to me to help me -- its just going to take time. time to learn how to adapt to the new surroundings & you never really know how long that can take.

but your words today in your blog really hit home. you kinda just took my thoughts right out of my head & put them in your blog.

remember to Pray & go to the Lord in this lonely time. He {will} comfort you!

Laura said...

I know exactly how you feel. It's a super hard place to be. It sucks to think all the time " I just want to go home," but you're already there. Some days are crappier than most, and you end up crying at the drop of a hat, and you're like what is going on?! Ugh. I so know how you feel. I hope you get to feeling better, and sometimes dancing around the living room is just what you need!