Active | Reactive

I’ve been inspired to write today’s post after watching The Bachelorette last night and after reading today’s message over at The Daily Love:

“How people treat you defines them, how you respond defines you. What happened is what happened. What you choose to do from here will determine the future.”

This encompasses everything: whether you say ‘thank you’ if someone holds the door for you, or what you choose to do when someone throws the first punch. What are your responses/reactions and what do they say about you?

This takes me to last night’s episode of The Bachelorette. (This is the first time since the first Bachelorette that I’ve watched the show from the start.) This is also a spoiler alert if you have not yet watched last night’s episode. I warned you! So, there is this guy named Bentley (who just so happens to be from Salt Lake City) and he basically defines the word “jerk” if you ask me. I’ll let you be the judge. Would you want a guy like this in your life?

• “"I would literally rather be, like, swimming in pee than trying to plan my wedding with her."

• "These tools, like these freaking idiots — all the guys know that I'm the frontrunner because they see my connection with Ashley. She's more into me than anyone else. But none of them have any idea that I don’t care about Ashley."

• "I came in thinking that Ashley was not attractive at all. I'm not feeling it . . . I'm gonna make Ashley cry. I hope my hair looks OK."

Real winner, right? I’m sure this guy will be compared to Michelle Money (from the last season of The Bachelor) whose commentary on the show was also repulsive and rude. She later explained it was just her sense of humor – that she’s very sarcastic. Oh, okay. That’s fine then. Uh, no. There will never be an excuse for Bentley’s actions. Whether he’s a total clown and just wanted to catch a few good laughs before heading home (that’s right – he lied and told Ashley he had to go home to be with his daughter) or he really is a downright heartless, insensitive jerk, it makes me sick that people can act that way and say those things.

Needless to say, Ashley chose to ignore the warning she received from her reliable source (Michelle Money) and fell head over heels for Bentley and his “charm.” Do I think the guy was drop-dead gorgeous? Absolutely not. Did I enjoy the sound of his monotone voice? Heck no. Can I see how Ashley fell for his confidence and suaveness and his knight in shining armor move he pulled while she was crying over William’s joke? Sure. You gotta hand it to her – the girl had no idea what he was saying behind the scenes. See above.


Earlier on in the show, the guys went out on a group date to perform a “roast” at a comedy club. Some of the guys played it safe and roasted each other, but not William. William knew what would hit the audience (and didn’t consider Ashley’s feelings as much as he should have.) He joked about how all the guys wish she had been Emily or Chantal (the last two girls standing on The Bachelor) and that they were disappointed when they saw it was just Ashley. You could see the hurt immediately hit Ashley. That was the one thing she had been scared about from the beginning and it was hitting all too close to home for her. Once the comedy show was over, she ran off to a corner and cried. Cue Bentley’s knight in shining armor move.

After she was “consoled” and let out a few more tears, Ashley confidently approached all the men. Her response was strong and I think it’s a great example of being responsible for your reactions. She simply addressed the fact that showing up and having the guys be disappointed was her biggest fear going into this so the comment that was made really struck a chord and hurt. She was polite and respectful and didn’t target anyone in particular. A a result, the guys realized just how hurt she was.

I like to think of the Golden Rule: “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Just know that many people won’t always do unto us as we’d do unto them. We also can’t expect people to react a certain way after our reaction. For example, as much as Ashley would hope that her talk with the guys would truly resonate with them, she had no control over that. Later on, Ashley chose to open up to Bentley about the news she had heard regarding his intentions of being on the show. Of course he denied the whole thing and Ashley took his word but she had no control over his next step. His next action was to leave the show and return home, all the while breaking Ashley’s heart. However, as the above quote says: “What happened is what happened. What you choose to do from here will determine the future.”
We are the only ones responsible for our actions and reactions. As much as someone may hurt us or betray us in their actions, our reaction can be what makes us stronger and what shows our true character.

Two wrongs certainly don’t make a right. I’ll be the first to admit I’m an active/reactive person. I’m full of emotion and there has been more than one occasion where I’ve found myself having to bite the bullet, but if someone really hurts me, chances are – I’m going to cry. For me, crying is what helps me get in touch with my soul. It lets me feel whatever it is that I’m feeling and from there, decide what to do next. It helps me connect my thoughts and feelings to what action I need to take to determine my future. Which brings me to my last Bentley quote:

"It's so annoying to hold a girl who's crying. And crying. And crying. I talked to her like a girl I'm really interested in. Only, I'm not f-ing interested."


Such a sweetheart.

Photo: We Heart It