Wednesday, March 21, 2012

One Month Later

One month ago today was the last full day I spent with my Mom. The initial shock has started to wear off. I realized that the adrenaline was what had been keeping me going for so long. It still does for most of the day.

Anyway, the grief is oftentimes unbearable. It physically consumes my body and sucks out almost every ounce of energy, usually when I least expect it. It just hits. I've written about this before, here.

I think back to the moments I saw my mom in the hospital and my heart breaks. Each moment was so different from the last. You see, when my dad took my mom to the ER one Wednesday evening, I had absolutely no idea that it would be the last time she walked out that door. I figured it would be similar to the time she went about a month prior- they'd run some tests and send her on her way. I was wrong. I've learned to never assume anything when it comes to health.

My mom never came home.
Less than a week from the moment she left for the hospital, she took her last breath and her heart stopped. She was gone.

DSC_3322

I'm grateful that I had those few days in the hospital with my Mom. Minus the hospital gown and oxygen mask, she still seemed like my Mom for most of the time, despite the fact that the cancer was attacking her more aggressively than we could have imagined. She was making her lists of what needed to be done at home, telling us when she wanted to talk and when she didn't, etc. But, during the final two days, there'd be moments I'd look at her and could just tell she was starting to go. She didn't have it all in her anymore. There was one experience that happened that confirmed to me that she would be leaving us soon. Maybe one day I'll share that.

But, I just think about those moments in the hospital. The look in her eyes. The sound of her breaths. Those are the moments I feel the hole in my life.

I said my goodbyes. I held her hand in her final four hours of life. I will forever be grateful that I could be there to see her out of this life and into the next... But, I'll tell you one thing - a little part of my soul went with her. I have been forever changed by those moments. Watching your only mother die changes you.

I know I mention my Mom and the pain of her death on here a lot. I don't say all of this to be dark and heavy. I say it because this is what happened. This is life.

17 comments:

Leanna Vera said...

I'm still thinking about you and your family and sending you lots of love. It takes time to heal and you're life will always be different from now on but you seem to be both dealing with the changes and grieving in a very healthy way.

Liz said...

Praying for you pretty lady :) God is the ultimate healer!

Kelsey Heinze said...

You've been handling this so well Chelsea. If you need support you know you have so many readers who have never even met you but want to make you smile.

Katie said...

Still thinking about you Chels. Everyday usually! You know your story is so similar to mine..I never knew that one time when my Mom got admitted (far too many times)that it would be the last. That picture of her up top is beautiful. You look so much like her!! keep your head up.

Emily said...

Your mom is beautiful! Keep your head up!

ashley said...

You are in my prayers friend. If you need anything at all, just let me know

smk053078 said...

Please know that you can continue to post about your mom every single day if you need to. All of your blog friends are here for you and to lift you up. Never feel like you are being dark...this is your life and we want to hear about it...the more people you talk to about it, the more people you have praying for you and your family. Big cyber hugs!!


Shanna

Megan O'Dell said...

You and your family are in my prayers.

Shayna said...

You are in my thoughts & prayers today, as you have been! I know it's not easy but, just try to remember all of the wonderful & happy times you had together & hold onto those! Keep your head up, I promise it gets easier... not the pain part but, the dealing with it part. If I could give you a big big hug right now, I would!!!

Rebecca said...

Better to share than to bottle it up!

Olga said...

I can't say I know how you feel because I've never lost someone so close to me but I do know that you can get through this tough time. Your mom is in a good place now and you just have to remember the good times. You can do it :)

Erica [pocket full of chuckles] said...

Your mom was a beautiful lady and sounds like an amazing woman. you vent on here as much as you like, lady. we are here for you!

xoxo

putter said...

I ache for the void in your heart. And I love hearing about your awesome momma. Makes me love and appreciate mine more, if that's even possible. Please know your readers are thrilled to lift you up in prayer and hope you ALWAYS feel free to share openly. Honesty isn't dark. It's refreshing. Feel the love.

Tara said...

Chelsea,

Reading this brought tears to my eyes. I can't imagine what you're going through, and I admire the strength you've had throughout all of this. My thoughts are still with you.

Carolyn said...

Thinking about you dear! I know it's so hard right now, but know while you'll miss her always, it will get better. I promise!!!

seanna said...

Stumbled on your blog thru another blog and wanted to say I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. My mother died when I was 19 (it will be 11 years in 2 weeks)and while no two experiences are the same, I do understand the incredible pain that comes with losing a parent. She'll never be far from you...it's amazing how 10 years later I still think of her every single day! All my prayers for you and your family.

Sheri said...

And you talk about it because you need to! We are all here to listen, Chelsea. You are doing amazing, girl.
Lots of hugs always,
Sheri
xo