Wednesday, April 17, 2013

To Feel My Hand In Hers Again

I have written before about the days that are harder than others. There are probably several posts about that. Losing your mother changes your life as I'm sure those of you who are sadly in my shoes know. Life is just never the same. There are the mornings, days, nights, seconds, weeks, and months that are just harder to get through than others and most times, there's no real explanation for them.

Certain things remind you of her. You just need a "mom hug." You miss spending time with her. You just need her.

Monday was another one of those days for me. I think part of it had to do with the tragedy during the Boston Marathon. The idea of suddenly losing a love one hits me deeply and thinking about the realities that were taking place for families affected by the bombings hit me deeply. Death in general just hits me deeply because I know how awfully tragic and aching that pain feels. It never leaves your soul.

I called my dad in tears after watching footage of Boston on Monday. He had a hard time focusing at work and decided he just needed to leave and go home. And then he texted me this:


I so badly miss visiting my mom at the cemetery at least once a week. It was my time to reflect, to spend with her, to just sit there and be.

It is so hard for me to explain to people why I enjoyed going to the cemetery to visit her grave. It was the only time I had here on Earth to still spend with her, even if it was just a symbol. It helped... but it never took away the pain. And now not being on the same coast as her grave means I don't have a solid place I can go to visit her. I have her memories. I have her pictures. And I had one recent video of the two of us together. The last video taken of us. At my wedding.

Monday night, I don't know what came over me, but I needed to see the two of us interacting. I watched the first minute of my wedding highlights over and over again. Just me and my mom as I got ready. Seeing the way she looked at me. The love in her eyes. And then there was one moment that hit me so hard.

I reached out for my mom's hand and she placed my hand in hers and smiled. That one moment means the world to me yet breaks my heart at the same time because I know, deep down, that my mom will never be able to look at me like that again. I'll never be able to reach out and feel her hands in mine. And I don't care what positive spin anyone tries to give me... not being able to hold her hand while I'm alive again is the most painful feeling I've ever felt.


Still, to this day, it doesn't feel real that she is really gone. It becomes so ingrained in you to have your loved ones around or at least just one phone call away. But once they're really gone - forever - it is the most unreal, gut-wrenching feeling to know nothing at all will ever bring them back. Not even for a second.

That split second pictured above means more to me than I can express. To have a couple minutes of footage of us interacting. To see the love in her eyes as if it were happening today. I would do anything to bring her back. To feel my hand in hers again...


14 comments:

Jenn said...

I know there is nothing that I can say to make this better. So, instead, I'm just going to send you a "hug" and tell you that you're amazing.

Cassie said...

thinking of you - big hugs!!

Ryan+Michelle+Ellie said...

so sorry... i know how you feel :) I lost my mother at age 14 and it was the hardest thing- every girl needs their momma! and I will go to the cemetery on hard days too... they are there for us :) xoxoxo

Sarah @ Life, Love & Dinner said...

I wish I knew what to say. What a beautiful memory of you & your mom!

Chelsea said...

These posts always make me want to cry. I'm not going to pretend I know how your feeling, I just know that if I was in your place, I would be an utter mess. I don't think I could handle it. My heart goes out to you.

Brittanie said...

Chelsea, I feel exactly where you're coming from on this one. Today marks 7-months without my dad, and there isn't a day where I don't think about him or wish I could feel one of his hugs. I need them.

I'm in the same place that my dad is buried in Utah and I'm out here in Maryland. Not having the only place you can go to "see" them is unbelievably hard. I still wake up thinking I can call him, or he will text me to say, I love you, but then reality sets in.

My dad always asked me if I looked at the stars before I went to bed ... I find myself looking up to see them more and more. I believe he's up there shining so bright, and sometimes it's those moments that play such a big part when we can't have their hugs or feel their hands holding ours.

Sending you the biggest hug :)

Raven said...

oh man, this post made me tear up. I could not imagine losing one of my parents, even though it's natural for them to go to heaven before us, it still doesn't seem right and I can only imagine how sad I would be. That said, it seems like your mom was an amazing person and you have some amazing memories to look back on :)

tara said...

my heart breaks for you, girl! xoxo

Brianna said...

My heart hurts for you. I can't even imagine going through this, so glad you have these precious memories and pictures though. Cherish them, you will see her again someday and although it will never get easier, you know that she is always around you, guiding you, and watching you chase your dreams!!! love you girl!!! sending you a big hug (:

Katie Did What said...

I am crying my eyes out over here, Chelsea. Everything you said, every single thing you said- I feel it too. I love you, girl. Remember I'm always here, just an email or text away!!! And your sweet mom is always here with you, too. In your heart and in your soul forever.

xo

Sara said...

I came across your blog one day while searching for others who experienced the loss of a mother at our age. I needed to hear words from someone I could relate to. Someone that understood what I was feeling.

This post really hit home. This week has been tough for so many reasons and I've really missed mom. Your words say everything so perfectly. This experience is unreal, heart wrenching and just awful! Thank you so much for being so open with your emotions and expressing yourself as you do. Your words help more then you know.

I am so sorry for your pain. If only we could have just one more second.

Cody Doll said...

I am so so sorry. *hugs*

Kristin said...

My mom chose to be cremated, and we spread her ashes at the beach. I totally understand what you mean about having a place to sit and reflect

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