Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The Days That Are Harder Than Others

11:28 on a Friday night.
The night started off with an hour phone conversation with Dad about careers.
Then I had leftovers and one of my cupcakes from my birthday.
I painted my nails a shimmery shade of maroon as I watched re-runs of Say Yes to the Dress.
My mind couldn't help but think forward to the day when I will pick out my [second] wedding gown.
I texted pictures to my mom back in 2010 of the dresses as I tried them on and she was there in 2011 to lace up my dress and hug me tightly.
One year and exactly one month from my wedding day, she was gone.

She won't be there next time.

I can't look to her for approval and to see that little smile of hers.

[Exactly two years ago today, watching me get ready]

As the sadness began to overwhelm me, I reached down onto my coffee table and started re-reading a book from my dear friend Shayna called Motherless Daughters.

"But wherever I traveled, I carried within me a sadness I couldn't leave behind, no matter how forcefully I tried. Someone dies, you cry, and then you move on: This was no mystery to me. Far less clear was how the effects of this loss were likely to appear and reappear throughout the rest of my life."
I bawled.
I sat there on my couch on a Friday evening, sobbing.
Unable to control the sounds from my mouth and gasps for air.

I just need my mom.

I needed her when she lay there helplessly and hopeless in the hospital bed.
I needed her the week before she went to the emergency room.
I needed her when I took her back and forth to her doctors' appointments.

And then I suddenly became a 26-year-old woman, still trying to heal from my own heartbreak when she, my mother, my inspiration, my best friend... was taken from me. Never to give me a word of advice again.
And that became my life's biggest tragedy.

This is on my heart so often.
Learning how to live without my mother.
How to continue growing on my own as a woman without the one woman who was always there to guide me.

I know I'll never stop needing her.
I know her presence will always be missed.
I know my life has been forever changed.
I know the effects of this loss will appear and reappear throughout the rest of my life.


Katie said...

Sounds like I need to read this book. It's so true...I never knew how MUCH those feelings/thoughts would appear and out of nowhere. It could be in the car, out and about, anywhere. It sucks.

Kate said...

I have no words. I'm in tears... You have such a big heart!

The Pink Growl said...

I'm struggling with things in my life right now too, but this struggle makes it seems so silly. So sorry you had a rough night, but you are right that some days are definitely better than others. Keep your head up pretty girl! Prayers!

Brittanie said...

Chelsea, we're in the same boat/swimming in the same sea. It's effing tough. Some days I can go about my day like it's just another one, but some days ... some days it's hard to get through anything. This weekend I spent a lot of time in my car, which has always been a place for me to just call my dad and chat away. This weekend while driving, I wanted to talk to him more anything else. I wanted him to listen to everything and tell me his advice. I just wanted to hear his voice.

While it sucks we're going through the same thing, it's also helpful knowing someone else knows what this heartbreak feels like.

We're always going to need them and miss them. They've made such an impact on our lives and been our lives. Giving you the biggest hug!

julia rose. said...

Sending some love and prayers your way, sweet girl!! I know one day I will experience the heartache there is of losing a parent and when that day comes I know I will be coming back to re-read your posts. Your strength shines through them!

Carolyn said...

Oh sweetie! I know those feelings, and they are HARD! Sometimes crying is the only medicine, as hard as it is! Love you!

Ash said...

i can't even imagine, chels... but you are such an amazing and strong person, i'm sure your mother is quite proud of the kind of woman you are becoming...

just lots of hugs and kisses to you right now...

Holly said...

Grief is a funny thing, my sweet friend. I don't think we ever get over any tragedy in our lives. The effects of the loss do appear and reappear at any given time. And sometimes, you just have to let yourself cry. I do not know nor will I pretend to understand what your grief feels like for you. All I can tell you is that your mother will always be a part of you - and not just because of your DNA ;) You may never stop needing her, but she taught you so much while she was here with you. Remember those lessons and think about what she might tell you. You are such a strong woman - and your mother is responsible for that :)

I love you, doll! xoxo

Jenn @ West Sac Honey said...

I'm so sorry that there isn't anything we can do to help heal your pain. It's something that will always be there. I hope you know you have lots of friends here in this blog world and we're all here for you! xo

dani-car said...

I havent been a reader for long but I have been reduced to tears by this. Yesterday would have been my mom's 51st Birthday. This Valentine's day will be exactly one year since I lost my mom unexpectedly to an illness. No matter what store I enter now there is a reminder of me being motherless. A stupid heart balloon, teddy bears with I love you, boxes of chocolate, I have moments of absolute hate for these things. At 23 I lost my best friend, my comforter, my advice giver, my mother. I know the pains you speak of and they suck. I think about the day I get to go shop for a wedding dress or have my first child and I just break down. We are strong women, us motherless daughters, we have to be, and on some level I find that we are often the strongest when we feel our weakest.

Kaitlin Hogan said...

Bless your heart. I teared up reading this post! It is one thing to mourn a loss and move on but I cannot even imagine the feeling of your own mother! She will always be looking down on you, loving you every day!

Kristin said...

I have been there. It sucks so much. Every few months, I literally lose my breath from crying so much from realizing she really is gone and not coming back. Makes me sick

Jesslyn Amber said...

I have no words. I am so sorry, Chelsea. This post has absolutely broken my heart, and I could hardly make it through it. I can't imagine the pain you feel. I wish I could take it all away for you...I'm keeping you in my prayers, love. xo!

SHAYNA said...

I'm going to be honest & say that I saw this post a couple days ago... I didn't read it because I knew in my heart of hearts what it was about & it brings back so much for me. However, you have such a gift for writing & this is so well put. Just know that you are not alone in feeling this way - or any of it. We all go through this. If that book helped me me with anything, it was knowing that! (& I'm pretty sure I needed this reminder in my life right now as well). Hugs to you sweet friend & I hope the book continues to help you along!

Katie said...

I've tried typing something to comment on this post. Nothing seems right to say.

This has brought me to tears. I'm so sorry you are and will continue to feel the pain that you do from not having your mom physically here with you. My heart breaks for you.


Kristen said...

i'm so sorry love. losing someone so close to you it the worst experience ever. that photo above of her is gorgeous, she looks so happy and proud.

Charlene Zale said...

This post tugged at my heart strings. I don't know how I would be able to live without my mother. She is my everything. I am so so sorry for your lost. Stay strong <3

Devon said...

I can't even imagine. I'm so sorry. I know your mother is so proud of who you are and who you are becoming. At my wedding, I felt this overwhelming presence of my grandparents who had passed. I am positive they were there with me in spirit.