Trying to Find the Words

This will be one of the hardest posts I'll ever write. Some of you may
have read my post a few weeks ago about Uncharted Territory. I've
waited until now to finally write about it.

Today marks the start of a new chapter in my life.

Today I am gone. I have left behind the life I went out to Utah to
start. I am leaving behind my apartment on the third floor with all
the sunlight. I'm leaving behind the memories filled inside the
picture frames. I'm leaving behind the hopes I had in sharing a life
and a future family with the man I thought I'd be with forever.

I packed my life back up, fit it all into a truck, and today I am
driving back across the country to the place where I started,
Virginia.

After only six short months of marriage, I made the painful decision to end it.

I had fallen in love with this man. From the start, I opened up my
whole heart to him and trusted him with every fiber of my soul.

We were married in January overlooking the beautiful Pacific Ocean. If
you had told me that day what was about to start happening, I wouldn't
have believed you.

After that day and a honeymoon in paradise, everything started
spiraling downward into a pit of deceit and loneliness.

I later found out that the man I had married who I thought was going
to be my rock and my protector, would never be those things for me.

Discussions turned into arguments.

Arguments turned into me crying and him leaving the house for hours.

I was spoken to in ways I've never been spoken to before.

There were things he hid from me until after we were married.

And there was violence.

It was far beyond "not seeing eye to eye" or any of that "the first
year of marriage is the hardest" hearsay.

I started spending more nights crying myself to sleep than I did
saying goodnight to him.

I kept having flash backs to one of the nights he put a hole in the
wall. I had sat there picking up the million little pieces that he
broke, placing each little piece in my hand to throw away. I knew the
longer I stayed, the more pieces I'd continue to pick up for him;
whether they were pieces of the wall, my heart, or the mess that
became our marriage. I was the only one in it. The times that we were
together were empty. He was always detached and distracted. Whether I
was talking to him about something cool I read on a blog or about
finances {lovely finances} he was always half-there in the
conversation. I would talk to the side of his face while he stared at
his computer, commented on someone's Facebook status on his phone, or
checked the latest sports stats. I was easily the last thing on his
list and the first thing to ignore.

My feelings, concerns, and opinions could not permeate his world.

It became lonely, sad, and my heart slowly started to break.

I questioned whether his love for me was even there. I didn't feel it
anymore. Ever.

Through this whole mess and through hanging on, hoping one day it
would get better, I started to lose myself.

I started speaking up less and less. I stopped asking as many
questions even though I needed answers.

I faked a smile in public.  I started accepting the fact that I would
never receive an apology for what he said or what he threw.

But, I knew I didn't deserve the way I was being treated {he hated
whenever I said that} and I knew the longer I hung on to someone who
never wanted to change, the more painful and unhealthy it would
become.

It comes to a point where the lack of trust, the lack of compassion,
and the violent rages become too much.

There was one day that was the final straw for me.

The last glimpse of hope had been shattered. I drove myself to a
parking lot and sat there in my car for an hour. I went to Starbucks
and sat alone at a table by myself for another hour or so, not wanting
to go home. There wasn't a bone in my body that wanted to try anymore.
I knew it was over. I knew the final pieces had been broken and they
couldn't be put back together this time.

The past three weeks, the weeks after I told him I wanted a divorce,
were very difficult, to say the least. Those were the sobering moments
of pain, anguish, disgust, and heartbreak.

I was surrounded by it. Between legal paperwork, the silence of a home
while packing up and throwing away memories of the good and bad,
planning a move 2,000+ miles away, watching holes in the wall getting
repaired months later, cancelling accounts, dividing memberships, and
trying to figure out every loose end imaginable, I was consumed by it.

While, yes, I started to feel hope again in the process, it was the
deepest ache I've ever felt in my heart to know that I loved someone
so much that I wanted to share my whole life with them and then to see
what led me to where I am today.

As hard as I’ve tried to put the basis of what’s been happening into
words, words will never be enough. Part of that is because this is the
Internet and this is understandably a personal matter. The other part
of that is because telling the story of this can’t really be compared
to living it day after day. Only my heart will ever really know.

So, that’s where I stand today. My life has been packed up into a
moving van. I’m driving back to the other side of the country now
along with my dad who flew out to help, my cat Stella, and my car
being towed slowly behind.

For now, it will just be one step at a time.