Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Trying to Find the Words

This will be one of the hardest posts I'll ever write. Some of you may
have read my post a few weeks ago about Uncharted Territory. I've
waited until now to finally write about it.

Today marks the start of a new chapter in my life.

Today I am gone. I have left behind the life I went out to Utah to
start. I am leaving behind my apartment on the third floor with all
the sunlight. I'm leaving behind the memories filled inside the
picture frames. I'm leaving behind the hopes I had in sharing a life
and a future family with the man I thought I'd be with forever.

I packed my life back up, fit it all into a truck, and today I am
driving back across the country to the place where I started,

After only six short months of marriage, I made the painful decision to end it.

I had fallen in love with this man. From the start, I opened up my
whole heart to him and trusted him with every fiber of my soul.

We were married in January overlooking the beautiful Pacific Ocean. If
you had told me that day what was about to start happening, I wouldn't
have believed you.

After that day and a honeymoon in paradise, everything started
spiraling downward into a pit of deceit and loneliness.

I later found out that the man I had married who I thought was going
to be my rock and my protector, would never be those things for me.

Discussions turned into arguments.

Arguments turned into me crying and him leaving the house for hours.

I was spoken to in ways I've never been spoken to before.

There were things he hid from me until after we were married.

And there was violence.

It was far beyond "not seeing eye to eye" or any of that "the first
year of marriage is the hardest" hearsay.

I started spending more nights crying myself to sleep than I did
saying goodnight to him.

I kept having flash backs to one of the nights he put a hole in the
wall. I had sat there picking up the million little pieces that he
broke, placing each little piece in my hand to throw away. I knew the
longer I stayed, the more pieces I'd continue to pick up for him;
whether they were pieces of the wall, my heart, or the mess that
became our marriage. I was the only one in it. The times that we were
together were empty. He was always detached and distracted. Whether I
was talking to him about something cool I read on a blog or about
finances {lovely finances} he was always half-there in the
conversation. I would talk to the side of his face while he stared at
his computer, commented on someone's Facebook status on his phone, or
checked the latest sports stats. I was easily the last thing on his
list and the first thing to ignore.

My feelings, concerns, and opinions could not permeate his world.

It became lonely, sad, and my heart slowly started to break.

I questioned whether his love for me was even there. I didn't feel it
anymore. Ever.

Through this whole mess and through hanging on, hoping one day it
would get better, I started to lose myself.

I started speaking up less and less. I stopped asking as many
questions even though I needed answers.

I faked a smile in public.  I started accepting the fact that I would
never receive an apology for what he said or what he threw.

But, I knew I didn't deserve the way I was being treated {he hated
whenever I said that} and I knew the longer I hung on to someone who
never wanted to change, the more painful and unhealthy it would

It comes to a point where the lack of trust, the lack of compassion,
and the violent rages become too much.

There was one day that was the final straw for me.

The last glimpse of hope had been shattered. I drove myself to a
parking lot and sat there in my car for an hour. I went to Starbucks
and sat alone at a table by myself for another hour or so, not wanting
to go home. There wasn't a bone in my body that wanted to try anymore.
I knew it was over. I knew the final pieces had been broken and they
couldn't be put back together this time.

The past three weeks, the weeks after I told him I wanted a divorce,
were very difficult, to say the least. Those were the sobering moments
of pain, anguish, disgust, and heartbreak.

I was surrounded by it. Between legal paperwork, the silence of a home
while packing up and throwing away memories of the good and bad,
planning a move 2,000+ miles away, watching holes in the wall getting
repaired months later, cancelling accounts, dividing memberships, and
trying to figure out every loose end imaginable, I was consumed by it.

While, yes, I started to feel hope again in the process, it was the
deepest ache I've ever felt in my heart to know that I loved someone
so much that I wanted to share my whole life with them and then to see
what led me to where I am today.

As hard as I’ve tried to put the basis of what’s been happening into
words, words will never be enough. Part of that is because this is the
Internet and this is understandably a personal matter. The other part
of that is because telling the story of this can’t really be compared
to living it day after day. Only my heart will ever really know.

So, that’s where I stand today. My life has been packed up into a
moving van. I’m driving back to the other side of the country now
along with my dad who flew out to help, my cat Stella, and my car
being towed slowly behind.

For now, it will just be one step at a time.


Julia said...

Dear Chelsea

i just accidentaly found your blog. I wish you lots of strength and courage for the new start and loads and loads of happy moments because you deserve it.


Kate said...

Easily the most heartbreaking post I've ever read even though I already knew most of what I was about to read. Thank you for being brave enough to share it with us. I hope you have a safe trip home.

Anonymous said...

i am emailing you.....

Beth said...

you are so brave for posting this...but i know it's much easier to let it all out. most women don't have the strength you have to let it go. you, by being you, will be an inspiration for all your friends. and you will be an inspiration and hope for other women reading this blog.

ashleigh said...

you are amazing; and i have a very similar post; and story, although i had not gotten married yet, i was heading down that road with a very similar guy;
ill send you the link so you can read, and maybe realize it wasnt you; it was the douchebags in the world who think they can run everything;
you are strong and will get through it just fine! i believe that; here is my post on a similar topic:
if you need anyone to talk to, i understand so go ahead and email me. xo girly

Maggie said...

Best of luck to you, and I am so happy your found the courage to put yourself first. Here's to a new chapter and even better beginnings. xo

Jessica said...

I can't even imagine what you're going through, but you are such a brave woman for opening up and sharing this with all of us. I wish you the best in Virginia and I hope things only go up for you now. :)

Lindsey said...

Wow, Chelsea. I would have never known you were going through so much pain. Your positivity always shines through and you definitely do not deserve to be in a situation like that. I am so proud of you for having the courage to stand up for yourself and remove yourself from an extrememly unhealthy situation. I know that you are going to so much stronger and happier because of this. This is just the first step. Thanks for sharing this, you may give other women the courage to leave a situation they know is not right. I am so so so so sorry you are going through this. I cannot even imagine, but use your family and friends for support. Take those days to cry and lay in bed watching lifetime if that's what you need to do. With time, the pain does get better after a break up. I promise you that. Eventually you will get your happy back. If you ever need anything, I'm here to chat. E-mail me if you need anything. BIG HUGS for you! I'd take you for a much needed wine girl night if I was close to you! XOXOXOXOXXOXOXOX

Karen said...

I wish I could reach through my computer and give you a giant hug. You are a very brave and strong girl for leaving and for writing to us all about it. I know you will find a real man that will love you the way you are supposed to be loved. You are a beautiful girl Chelsea and deserve the best life has to offer. I wish you much love and healing through this time.

annahita said...

thinking of you during what must be an extremely difficult time, hope your drive goes as well at possible and you're at peace. good things are coming your way now, I just know it! :)

Denise said...

I'm sorry to hear that your heart has been broken and I wish there was something I could do! In fact, I'm going to email you :)

Lauren said...

You are strong and beautiful. You are SUNSHINE and should never be forced to live in the shade. So sad you had to grow through this (Okay I mistyped I was trying to write "go" but wow, how appropriate). It's a broken road we wander, but we always end up where we're supposed to be - this will be no different.

As I've confided in you, there are people we both know who are unwilling to make the hard decisions, at least at this time, that you were willing to make... and I think the pain is worth it. It will be worth it. I hope this journey home and being truly HOME warms your soul and nurses you back to an even better place than you were before.

You are courageous. And special. And loving. And poetic. And artistic. And unique. And caring. And a wonderful friend and SISTER. You are so many many wonderful things and I'm sure you already know that, but sometimes we just need to be told <3 Can't wait for you to be around people who remind you of these things over and over again and love you for you.

the girl in the red shoes said...

Oh Chelsea. I am heartbroken for you. I wish I could give you a hug. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself and doing what's best for you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. xoxo

Alexandria said...

I'm so proud of you for leaving. I watched my mom go through the same thing, and she so desperately wanted to stay so I could have a "normal" family. But this is something you definitely did not deserve. Things will get better.

They always do.

Anonymous said...

Wow. I would have never guessed this was happening. I've been reading for blogs for a little while now and I just want to tell you how STRONG of a woman are to remove yourself from this situation.

I cannot imagine, or pretend to imagine, how hard this is on you. But the fact that you opened up on here shows that you are a strong woman in itself.

You have plenty of strength backing you here girl.

best of luck!

CALLIE said...

So proud of you for bettering yourself! I will be praying for you and know that God has HUGE plans for your new life!

Brianna said...

Wow girl I am SO sorry you had to go through that! You are so strong for taking yourself out of that situation and making such a big decision that can only make your life THAT much happier. So many women aren't as courageous as you, so thank you for this post so many can try and grow stronger by reading your words. I hope your trip back home is a good safe one, and keep your chin up! I know things will be better for you now (:

The Michelle Show said...

I'm really sorry that things didnt go the way that you had hoped, and I'm really proud of you for making the tough decision to better yourself.

caley-jade rosenberg said...

Such a heartwrenching post and such courage to write it! Thank you for being brave and strong and sharing with us - we are your virtual family to help you through times like these...

Good luck on your new journey girl, we are always here for you x

Ashlyn said...

Oh chels, I am sitting at breakfast reading this & my heart aches for you. Noone should ever have to go thru the pain and heartache that you have had to go thru. I know this has been so hard for you & you are such a brave woman for sharing this. I don't even know the words that are on my heart, but one thing is that I love you & so do so many others. because of this decision you made you will persevere. You will be such a stronger woman after this!!! I hope your trip home is going well. I love you & can't wait to see you & hang out!!!

P! said...

You are so strong, so brave, and so smart. Praying for you.

Bay Park Dream said...

So sad to read this post, but so happy you were able to get out of a destructive relationship. You absolutely deserve so much better, and you will find it! For now though, I hope you continue to find the strength to focus on the good and positive things in life. Things will get easier...

Sending lots of positive thoughts your way!


Joelle said...

Thank you so much for posting this, and for trusting all of your readers. Nobody deserves a broken heart, especially not one that comes with such a painful experience. But the fact that you put this out there for the world to see shows how strong you are. I don't know you very well, but I think that you are such a beautiful and kind and smart woman.

Good luck with this new chapter of your life. I can't wait to read all about it!


life is aMAYESing said...

Thank you for opening your heart and sharing your feelings with the blogging world. I can't even begin to relate, but I know that you're not alone. Good for you for ending it and not letting it continue on for a moment longer. I'll be praying for you!

lauren nicole said...

thinking about you and sending prayers your way. this new chapter will be great for you! trust that! xoxo

Leslie Coxon said...

Chelsea, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can not even imagine the pain you must feel. God never gives us more than we can handle and I know something good will come of this eventually. I will be thinking about you and praying for you! Have a safe trip back home!

Sophie @ threetimesf said...

Such a brave post Chelsea. I have only recently stumbled upon your blog so had no idea about a lot of this, but I am heartbroken for you.
Well done for leaving, and thoughts and best wishes for the move home. I really hope everything works out x

Sophie @ threetimesf said...

ps - it is an absolute testament to your blogging talent that a post like that is still so well written and touching.

Aly said...

I just stumbled upon your blog and I'm so sorry to hear about this. I'm going through a break up right now and some of this sounds familiar. I am so sorry that you're going through a divorce. I hope it gets easier for you.

Carolyn said...

My heart is breaking for you! :( Just know that you're doing what's best for you, and it will get better!!!

Raquel said...

Omg Chelsea i'm so sorry you had to go through all of this :( Everything will get better though, i know it. You are such a positive and beautiful girl in the inside and out! I wish you the best of luck with everything sweetie, keep your head up high!


Amanda C. said...

I am so sorry that things turned out this way. I hope that soon you can start putting your life back together. I will be praying for you. Best wishes.

Laura said...

I'm reading through all of this and all of the comments, and I know I'm just one more person to say how amazing you are and offer all of the support in the world. You have taken off on this little blog, and you shouldn't have anyone keeping you from being happy. I've only gotten to know you through comments, but I already know what an amazing person you are! If you need anything at all from your bloggy friend from the south, let me know!

K_stets said...

Girl my heart breaks for you just reading this.
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this, but I think from all these comments you can see that you have support out there. You've probably never met most of the people, but we are all here for you.

It might not be the easiest or best of times right now or ahead of you. But it will get better. You are a better person for just realizing you don't deserve to be treated like that.

Stay strong.

Lindsay said...

Oh Chelsea I am so, so sorry! It breaks my heart to read this, I can only imagine how hard this must have been for you. From what you've said though it sounds like it was the right decision. Take this time for yourself and know that we're all here for you. Stay strong!


Hollie Ann said...

Thanks for sharing Chelsea you're an inspiration to many. Having the courage to leave will define your life into a better direction. Here if you need me girl! Stay strong :)

andersa9 said...

I've been there..through all of this and I know your pain. You're a beautiful girl with your entire life ahead of you. I had to get out of an abusive relationship too...I chose not to marry the man I thought I'd spend my entire life with because of these same issues.

Remain strong, but remember it is okay to break down. Those break downs make you that much stronger on the other end.

<3 You're in my thoughts and prayers

Hollie Ann said...

I was just thinking about you....just wanted to say AGAIN thanks for sharing. have a fabulous day :)

Brunette & Blessed said...

my heart is breaking for you! i'll be praying for you

Katie said...

You are so brave, I wish you nothing but the best. You are in my thoughts and prayers xo

Ashley said...

hey girlfriend - I just read this. SOO sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time. If you ever need to talk to someone, please e-mail me, I am willing to listen or if you just need a friend to lean on ... Stay strong, it sounds like the worst is over and you are moving on to a new life. You dont deserve the way you were being treated. You are a beautiful girl and should only deserve the best.

Stay strong :) Thinking about you.


Anonymous said...

Your post yesterday completely took me by surprise, but really touched me because I'm having some of the same difficulties in my relationship. It's not violent by any means, but there's a lot of neglect, loneliness and dishonesty.

Stay strong through these tough times! You've already overcome the biggest obstacle and that is leaving and starting over. You're blog readers and friends will be here for you!!

Karli said...

I just stumbled across your blog yesterday. I want to let you know that your strength is amazing. You need to know how many women you have touched with your honesty & your courage. I know a beautiful woman, like yourself, that I will be sharing this post with in hopes that you are able to reach her too. You are in my thoughts & prayers during this difficult time.

A said...

Oh Chelsea :( I have been away from the computer for a few days and just had a chance to read this. My heart breaks for you. If I have learned anything about you while reading this blog it is that you have such a loving, generous, forgiving heart and I am so incredibly sorry that you are having to go through this. :( I know you dont know me IRL but if you need absolutely ANYTHING, please let me know ( I may not be right around the corner, but I AM only a few states away (NC) and you better believe that UPS is my best friend. Stay strong and know that your happiness is so much more important than anything anyone says. Praying for you friend.

mdeluccia13 said...

You are strong and brave for doing the right thing. We (sisters, family, friends) love you very much and look forward to having you back on the East Coast! Coming from a family where my mom went through a similar situation but with my sister and I already born, I am proud of you for realizing what was enough and standing up for yourself. Love you! When you are in Richmond, please let me know so I can come out with you and Jenna. :)

Katie said...

I had tears in my eyes reading this. You are SO strong and so brave. I'm so glad you decided to go public about this..I think it will help in the end with your emotions and feelings. I just love ya and think we would be life long friends. I will ALWAYS be here for you, friend.

CHEERS to being back home and a new life!


PeaceLoveApplesauce said...

oh my goodness, honey!
prayers to you and best wishes. You'll find your way, God has a plan for all of us. Divorce was the hardest thing I ever had to go through. I'd never wish it on anyone. Hugs!

natasha {schue love} said...

In seeing your post today...I wondered what happened. My heart just aches and breaks for you...words just cannot express what I feel for what you've gone through. I am just so thankful you got out when you did and love that you have belief and faith that things will get better...and they will! So glad you shared and that other women can learn too. You're in my thoughts...especially as we start a new year.

Samantha said...

I don't know you but you're an amazing woman and inspiring!

Becca Moss said...

Girlfriend, you're stronger than you think! About a month after my husband and I got married one of our fights escalated to me locking myself in the bathroom having a panic attack, him busting through the door and then punching out our bathroom mirror. I've never told anyone that. I lied to my family and friends and told them the mirror broke while changing a light bulb. It scared the crap out of me. And had we not been married and having Wyatt I would have left and never looked back. I'm glad you left and I realize I don't know the whole story and situation but you had the guts to leave and the knowledge that you deserved better. I'm proud of you and support your decision 110%. You're amazing, lady!

Sarah at Midwest Pillowtalk said...

just reading this as a new follower, and i would have no doubts about your life today. you are strong and brave and that is so admirable. im so glad to see youre happy in CA today :)