My Advice for the Single Girls

Oh, the single life. This is the longest I've steadily gone, well, not steady. Get it? I'm enjoying my time, learning about myself, and getting my life (and body and spirit) in the best shape ever. But, back in the day, things were a little different. It started back in elementary school, receiving notes with instructions:

"Will you go out with me? Check yes, or no."

So bossy. And then guys started surprising you in middle school with carnations delivered straight to your classroom on Valentine's Day. Or a bouquet of flowers at your locker in high school from the guy you seriously thought you'd end up marrying and the two of you already had your kids' names picked out. No? Just me?

Then it was time to move away to college where, for many of us, it was the first time we really dated anyone from outside our hometown. Some couples ended up graduating and getting married while others, like myself, continued on with the dating game. While I'm not an expert, I've had my fair share of being in a relationship, being single, and even being married (if even for a short while.) I learned a lot and thought now would be a good time to pass on some of my "wisdom" (since I'm getting married soon.) Just kidding!

1. Enjoy your "you" time:

Take yourself out to dinner or lunch or out to coffee where you'll spend the day people watching. Start a new journal. Volunteer. Adopt an animal. Go on vacation. Take the time to love yourself again. Break-ups can be hard and it does take a while for your heart to mend. Instead of rushing right back into a relationship, embrace your time alone. Find how empowering it can be to just be you and be beautiful and know that you are enough.

2. Define what being "single" means to you:

Being single can seem like such a negative thing sometimes. Especially once you see so many of your friends getting married and having children. Being single does not mean you are broken. And I really think we need to stop viewing it that way. Find the beauty in being single. The world is your oyster.

3. Date:

Once you have healed from your breakup and feel ready to get back out there, just date. Get to know some different people. Break out of your "type." You could end up with someone you'd least expect or you could find you were spot on with the kind of partner you wanted. Just see what's out there and don't have a timeline.

4. Throw away the timeline:

You know what I'm talking about. When I was younger, I had the age I wanted to be married by, have my first child by, etc. Throw that out the door because it will get you nowhere. Focus on baking the best cake you could ever imagine (the cake=your life) and then when the time is right, the right partner for you will come into your life and be the icing on top!

5. Challenge yourself:

While you're enjoying your "you" time, defining what single means to you, going on dates, and throwing away the timeline, find some ways to challenge yourself. Maybe you haven't been much of a cook. Find a recipe a week that you want to try! Maybe you haven't been much of a reader. Get yourself a library card and spend the day browsing the shelves, taking home a stack of books to dive into on the couch each night! Maybe you hate running. Put those running shoes on, find somewhere beautiful, and go for a run, breathing in the air around you.

This time of being single is so special. It really is. As wonderful and exciting as it will be once we find our soulmate, hold our first child, buy our first home, etc. how cool is it to have the whole world at our fingertips? It's all right there for you! Take advantage of this time. Soak it up. Enjoy going to bed whenever you feel like, singing in the shower, browsing the aisles at the grocery store for something new, spending all afternoon in the bathroom just to try new hairstyles, learning new things about yourself. What ever helps you embrace being single, being you.

So, single ladies, I want to hear from you! What things have you been embracing while single? :)

Keeping Up With the Blog Joneses

It's time for a little rant. Originally, I was going to blog about the pressures of getting married and having kids. I can't log onto Facebook without reading about another engagement, wedding, or baby A, B, and C's gender reveal. Don't get me wrong - I am happy for all of you whose lives have taken you that route. I know how exciting new life events can be. However, I'm certainly in the minority over here. At least, that sure is how it feels more often than not.

Not just on Facebook but among the blogging community too. I'm in this odd phase of my life where I thought I'd be married with at least one child by now but really, my life is the complete opposite. I absolutely love the independence I have now. I've never been the "I always have to have a boyfriend" type of girl. I greatly value my alone time and freedom to learn on my own, as my mom taught me at a young age to do.

I see people [girls and guys] who bounce from relationship to relationship, all the while remaining the same. And then I look back at my past year and a half of being single, and I can see how much I've grown. Some of that growth was due to circumstances beyond my control and some of that growth was due to choices I made for myself.

But sometimes I feel like one of the odd balls. One of the only twenty-something not married, not with children, not tied down girls out there, especially in the blogging community. I certainly march to the beat of my own drum. I just wonder though... is there anyone else out there like me? Where are all the single ladies?! All the single ladies, put your hands up!

And on top of that, to make me feel like even more of an odd ball... I'm not much of a consumer. I've never bought anything from J. Crew or Anthropologie, I've had the same iPhone case for my phone since the day I bought it, and the idea of having a credit card for a store baffles my mind a little bit. [But ask me what Billabong's newest pieces are and I could basically draw them out for you. I blame it on work. I study that ish for breakfast.]

My point is - sometimes even my blog posts make me feel like an odd ball, especially upon moving to Southern California and paying over $4.00 for one gallon of fuel. My money doesn't go toward a new blog design, or eyelash extensions to write about, or a renovation of any sort on my house to show you. And I'm okay with that. I just don't know if my readers are. I write about life, whether it's funny or sad. I don't often write about material goods. Shoot, if you're wondering how single Chelsea makes it alive in San Diego and want to know my single-girl tricks on living wisely and within my means, maybe I can write about that.

But I won't be writing about a baby's brand new nursery reveal anytime soon ;)

When I Was A Beautiful Little Fool

"That's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool."

-Daisy, The Great Gatsby

That's me. Little three-year-old Chelsea.
A beautiful little fool.
I love this picture for several reasons.
I don't know why, but I've always viewed this picture as an outsider.
Like I'm just looking at a picture of a happy, little girl.

I see a sprightly, loving, cuddly brunette girl.
Soaking up the sun with a tender heart.
Finding happiness in something so simple.
With her mom just behind her, guiding her, caring for her.

I see myself as the girl before life hit.
The girl who knew how to express herself with only a few words and by dancing through the salt water.
The girl who didn't have to worry or plan or fear.
She just lived.

So, looking back, knowing that is me in the picture, it reminds me...
Reminds me that I was once a beautiful little fool.
But that even if I didn't know it at the time, I was a dreamer and a doer.
A girl who would later face reality head-on.
And that girl would become a woman who'd look back at that picture and smile.
Because, in the end,
life grew her and shaped her and built her.
She'd smile at that picture because, in the end,
I am her and she is I :)

On Leaving an Abusive Relationship

I've written a lot lately about following your dreams, about never taking life for granted, and about finding the positive in each day. I could write about those things every day, giving my advice on on how to do each. But there is one topic that I don't mention on here very often that I have some real life experience with. And I know somewhere out there is another woman who's dealing with some of the same moments and pain I once did.

Today, I want to offer my advice on getting out of an abusive and unhealthy relationship.

After "coming out" about the decision to end my marriage almost two years ago, I received messages from women who went through similar relationships and marriages and found the strength to leave and I also had women reach out to me, looking for help and advice on how to get out.

Let me just start off by saying that abuse of any kind [verbal, mental, emotional, or physical] is not okay. Don't let yourself be swayed to think otherwise just because you don't have a cut or scrape or bruise on your skin. Abuse bruises your heart and your mind too. It causes you to start thinking and reacting differently than you normally would have. You start losing yourself. You start making excuses for him. You start telling yourself, "It will get better. It has to. One day."

Stop "waiting" for it to get better. Stop making excuses. Stop justifying the abuse just because he justifies it. It is not okay. It is not normal. And it is not safe.

Don't isolate yourself. It's a difficult thing to admit that the person you live with, love, and in some cases like mine, are married to, is abusive. You want to have a healthy, happy relationship. You want to believe you can have the fairytale you dreamt of. But you must be honest with yourself and you must let someone know what is going on. Whether it's a parent, a friend, a counselor, etc. let someone know what you are dealing with behind closed doors. Have somewhere to go when he gets violent. [For me, it was my car or my mother-in-law's apartment. I learned the hard way that I wasn't even safe in my own bathroom.]

Another reason you should let someone know about it is because you need a voice of reason. You read about abusive relationships, you see stories on the news, but you never expect you'd find yourself in that situation. We imagine this big, scary monster of a man but many abusers are the sweet, charming and once-gentle men we fell in love with. There were so many times that I tried telling myself the abuse would stop one day. My own voice of reason became so skewed at one point that it didn't even phase me that he laughed when I showed him the bruise he gave me. But my mom was my rock. She opened my eyes and helped me get out, even from over 2,000 miles away.

You are strong enough to leave. As important as marriage was to me, I knew deep down in my heart that abuse was never okay. It is never too late to leave. Or too early for that matter. You are strong. You are beautiful. You deserve so much more.

Through the process I went through, I learned to love myself again. I am a single woman and I have never, ever been happier. And I will never, ever let another guy like him anywhere near my precious life again.

There is hope. There is love. There is happiness. There are brighter, much brighter, days ahead of you. I promise you that.

If you are questioning whether or not you're in an abusive relationship, here is a helpful link of an excerpt from Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That?" I am just an email away if you or anyone you know needs someone to talk to.

chelsea.lifeisasunset@gmail.com

UPDATED: AND, if you are ready to start making some big changes in your life and want to be supported, be lifted, and work one-on-one together through these radical shifts in your beautiful life with someone who's been there before, head on over to my life coaching site chelseadinen.com  where you can learn more about me, my coaching approach, and how to hire me so we can get started! Know that you are strong. Just by being here reading this today. Sending love! xo

Little Lady

As I was looking through old pictures this weekend, searching for pictures of Missy, I stumbled upon some oldies but goodies. Some that made me all sentimental and reminiscent and some that cracked me up hysterically.

The below picture was one of my mom's favorites. I seriously owe so much of what I know to that wonderful woman. And whenever I think about being a lady, I think of this picture. 

Sure, you see the floral jumper that I'm wearing, the pink, the frilly lace socks [you know you had them too.] And of course, you see the jellies on my little, crossed legs.

But to me, being a lady is about poise and purpose. It's about being strong. Determined. Knowledgeable. Loving. Hard-working. Respectful. 

Today, I'll be waking up at the crack of dawn to cast my vote in my third Presidential Election. I've chosen to take the route of not posting my political beliefs across social media. To me, it's a very personal and private decision. And this post has nothing to do with which candidate I will be voting for.

It's just a post expressing my gratitude and excitement about voting on Election Day. There were so many strong, determined, and knowledgeable women who fought and sacrificed so much to help us gain the right to vote back in 1920. So, if a male decides to send me a rather rude and un-called for message in response [which may or may not have happened] I'll just cross my jellies again and smile :)

Here's to the United States of America. To our rights and freedoms. To loving and respecting our fellow Americans. To growing from little girls to voting women :)

It Can Happen Anywhere

It was 5:42pm on a Monday night. I pulled into the parking lot where my doctor's office was. All the spots just in front of the building were taken so I drove about ten yards away and parked in front of the other building, with a white sedan parked to the left of me. I put my car in park, unplugged my phone from the A/V jack, and started to get my belongings together. 

In my peripheral vision, I noticed something near the white car next to me. It was a man walking between our cars. I figured he was getting ready to get into the passenger seat of that car so I waited a second until he got in before I opened my door.

Well, he never got into the car.

Instead, he taps on the window of my car.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Shocked, I whip my head around to look at him and he motions for me to roll down the window.

This man appeared to be in his upper 70's if I had to guess. His hair was white. He was wearing a camel brown, long-sleeved button down. He wasn't the cleanest shaven man I've ever seen but certainly didn't look homeless.

After he told me to put the window down, I shook my head, "no!"

He started mumbling something and seemed as though he was asking for money.

Again, I shook my head, "no" and motioned for him to leave.

I grabbed my phone in a panic, trying to figure out what I was going to do.

Should I move my car? Should I get out now and run? Where did he go? I waited until I saw another car driving through the lot. I figured if he was going to do something, he wouldn't do it while another person could see. So, I quickly grabbed my belongings, and cut diagonally through the parking lot, walking very briskly. As I passed the edge of the first building, I noticed a figure emerge from around the corner.

It was him!

"Miss! Miss!" he yelled, quickly moving toward me.

I started to run to my building.

As I ran, he picked up his pace and started to chase after me.

I yelled, "I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE!"

via

In those last flashes, I remember trying to get to the door of my building as quickly as I could and being sure to shut the door and keep it closed behind me.

The man did not follow me into the building.

Right away, I reported what had just happened to the receptionists and doctor. One of the ladies went outside in the direction he had gone and flagged down a driver of an SUV. The man had tapped on her window as well, wanting money. He proceeded to approach ladies going into and out of the gym in the shopping center.

The police were notified.

I tell you this story because this stuff happens. In broad daylight. In the shopping center ten minutes from your house that you've been going to since you were a kid.

Did the man hurt me? No. Did he scare the living daylights out of me? Yes. Did he have a gun? I don't know. Did he really just want money? I don't know.

What if I had rolled down my window? What if I did reach into my purse? What if I hadn't run when I saw him again?

What could have happened?

My mom always taught me to be aware of my surroundings. To have my car keys in my hand when I walked out to my car. To look over my shoulder. To drive away as soon as I got into my car instead of texting someone or messing with my radio.

Things happen in split seconds, when you least expect them.

I'm grateful that she continued to re-iterate those things to me for twenty-six years because if it weren't for her, maybe I would have rolled down my window. Maybe I wouldn't have run.

I worked with a girl who left dance practice one afternoon and her car was found at the bottom of a lake and her body found soon after. I don't take these situations lightly.

Be careful. Watch your back. Have someone walk you to your car [luckily, one of the doctors insisted on walking me out.]
And if a situation doesn't feel right, it isn't.

Best Talk I've Had in Years

Yesterday, I desperately needed some "girl time." I needed a good woman-to-woman heart-to-heart talk. Immediately, I thought of my mom. I needed her advice, wisdom, and guidance.

But I knew that wouldn't come as quickly as I needed.

So, the first person I thought of was my mom's good friend's daughter who just so happens to be my hair stylist :) She's known me since I was a little girl and I've always, always looked up to her.

We planned a little dinner date for yesterday evening and I literally counted down the hours.

Well, Tammie and I sat at the restaurant for about 3 and a half hours chatting about life. We shared stories, lessons we've learned, etc.

In just that small amount of time, I learned so much from her - about how to carry myself as a confident woman, about how to get away from toxic people, about how to parent.

She read a paragraph from a book she is currently reading.

I can't even begin to tell you how perfect and relevant that passage was to my life.

She was meant to read that and share it with me, I just know it.

One day I will share that paragraph with you.

She also mentioned a quote:

“When the pain of what we are going through becomes greater than the fear of change, we change.”

Everything we talked about and everything Tammie told me, was just what I needed to hear.

She also brought two books for me to read which I can't wait to dig into and blog about!

When I got home that night, I realized that was the best talk I've had in years.

I walked away from that talk feeling stronger, braver, and better prepared for what's to come.

Tammie, this one is for you:

[via]

After we hugged tight and made plans for a lunch date or haircut, whichever comes first :) I walked to my car knowing this:

*Everything happens for a reason

*The people who've known me the longest really do know what's best

*Focus ahead on the life I truly want

*Oh, and never go anywhere alone ;)

Tammie is truly one of the most genuine, compassionate, and gentle people I have ever met.

For a much-needed girls' night, I thank you! Can't wait for the next!

So, friends - what are some of your favorite tidbits of wisdom that you've walked away with after a girl's night?

Confidence is Key

Have you visited Ashley over at The Shine Project? I’ve only known about her blog for a few days but can already tell how beautiful she is (on the outside AND inside!) Every Monday she posts a “challenge” for the week. These challenges ask us to search our mind and soul for our answer and to write about it and share it by linking up. This week the topic is on confidence and the question is:

IF YOU SAW A MOTHER TREAT HER DAUGHTER THE WAY YOU TREAT YOURSELF, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT MOTHER?

I used to have confidence when I was younger. Confidence to dance on the beach boardwalk like a wild banshee in front of a ton of other families. Confidence to run for Vice President of my elementary school without thinking twice about it. Confidence to make friends with anyone, anywhere. Confidence to be super close with my teachers. That all changed once I entered middle school.

I became intimidated, scared, and timid and didn’t believe I deserved friends that I had a lot in common with, good relationships with my teachers, or to be recognized.

I’m that same way today. I constantly second-guess myself, talk myself out of doing something because I think, “other people can do that, but not me.” It’s not necessarily a question of whether I’m confident about my appearance. I’m a woman. There’s constantly something I want to change about my body, but I get over it. It’s more about my inner confidence. I like to believe I have a lot to offer the world, but my actions don’t show that.

As women, we’re constantly told that confidence is the number one thing guys look for in a girl, that women should be confident, etc. etc. So, what if we aren’t confident? Then we get called “insecure.” I loathe hearing that word because the truth is, no one else has ever been in our shoes. They don’t know about that one comment someone made behind your back or that one time someone spread a fake rumor about you just so her friends wouldn’t want to be friends with you. And, yes, that really happened.

But, if I sit here and ask myself the question of if I saw a mother treat her daughter the way I treat myself, how would I feel about that mother… I’d think the mother was way too hard on her daughter. Don’t get me wrong, I think mothers should be tough on their daughters. I think mothers should be close with their daughters but also be their toughest critic. However, that doesn’t mean mothers should talk their daughters out of everything they want to do.

If I saw a mother say to her daughter on her very first day of middle school, “Have fun, pay attention in all your classes, be sure to lock your locker, but hey… you don’t deserve to be friends with any of those girls you meet” I would not think good things about the mom. My mom has always been great about encouraging me to get together with girl friends and to stay in touch with them today. I still find myself saying things like, “Oh, I’m sure they’ve been swamped with work and family stuff. I don’t want to bother them” all the while thinking to myself they don’t care to talk to me or I don’t have anything worthwhile to update them with.

But you know one thing? This blog has been amazing for me. It’s brought me back to a place where I used to be. It’s brought me to blogs from girls all around the world who I can relate to, who can relate to me, and who help bring that confidence back. I’m sure a hater would tell me that’s pathetic but I don’t really care. I’m confident enough to say I’m a woman with my own insecurities. I’m real. I’ve been hurt, I’ve been lied to, I’ve been burned but I know good people are out there everywhere and I want to open myself up to the opportunity of being a good friend and knowing that I can offer them something just by being alive.

1. I will keep blogging and reaching out to anyone who I can relate to, even in the smallest way
2. I will put it out there to the Universe (big thank you to The Secret for this one!) “I expect to do whatever I put my mind to”
3. I will put myself in situations where I feel good about myself and refrain from situations that don’t bring out the best in me

We have to believe we can. Whatever it is, we have to BELIEVE it. After fostering dogs this past week, I felt happier than I have in a long time. I felt confident in what I was doing and felt GOOD about what I was doing. I felt right. I choose to believe in me.

Wishing everyone a Happy NBA Draft Day!!!!! GO UTAH JAZZ!! We have two lottery picks this year. Tonight we’ll be joining in on the watch party at Energy Solutions Arena! :)