The One Ache I’ve Feared to Feel

In yesterday’s post, I started to address something that may have come as a shock to some of you. If you haven’t read it, please do so here, otherwise, today’s post won’t make as much sense.

I finished that post saying that I now know why those events happened in my life when and how they did. I trust God’s plan and timing.

Since the start of this year, my mom has been sick and has progressively gotten worse. On Wednesday night, my dad and mom made the decision to take her into the emergency room to have her checked out and eventually the doctors there decided it was best for her to be transported to the hospital.

In less than 24 hours she would be rushed to the ICU.

The hours seemed to quickly whir by as tests uncovered additional complications with my mom’s health.

On Friday, I left work early, picked up my brother and we went to the hospital where my dad and other brother awaited. That day, my mom had a biopsy on a mass the doctors had found. I saw my mom soon after for the first time since she left the house on Wednesday. Seeing her in that state was unbearable, to say the least. I smiled and told her that her blue eyes were still as beautiful as ever and told her how strong she was.

Saturday was also spent at the hospital. I could see the frustration in my mom’s eyes as she rustled in the hospital bed, dealt with the pains and stresses of her illness, and was poked and prodded for treatments.

My mom will always be the strongest person I know.

She is a 45-year survivor of Hodgkin’s Disease (cancer of the lymphatic system).

Today we will find out whether cancer has found its sick, sad way back into her body.

I’m praying harder than I ever had for the 5% chance that she doesn’t have it.

As I spoke to my mom and cried with her yesterday, we talked about this past year of my life. I apologized to her for the turmoil and thanked her for always being there for me, no matter the hour. She told me to “just let go of it.”

So I have. And, in those moments, I knew God has been working this whole time. I knew He had the events take place in my life when they did (no matter how hard it was to piece together back then) because He needed me to be home for good with my mom in these moments. If it weren’t for what happened, I’d still be in Utah wrapped up in an unhealthy relationship moving farther and farther away from my truest potential. I know the dreams my mom has for me and I want to make her proud. I know that God has put me back on the path to do those things. Above all else, I’m able to be here with my mom.

I know this path isn’t going to be easy, especially now. The thought of my mom over in that hospital bed, hooked up to machines breaks my heart worse than any man ever has. This is the one ache I’ve feared to feel my entire life.

I love you, Mom. I’m sending every prayer in my soul your way. I’m praying for a miracle.