A Letter to Mom

Dear Mom,

You have always told me that I was a natural-born writer. How do I find the words this time?
How will I ever go on without you in my life? You’re the only one I’ve always known.
No word that I can ever say will be enough to show you how much I love you and how badly I want more time with you.
Oh, Mom…
Today when I saw you, I just wanted to hug you. I wanted to squeeze you so tight and never let you go.
I think of all the memories and things I want to tell you. All the time I didn’t spend with you but wish now that I had. I think of all those things and wish I could fit all of them into the time we have left with you here.
But, I know that’s not possible.
I know you have angels with you now and they’re preparing you for what is next.

I don’t know when that time will be, Mom. And that’s so scary because I know it’s sooner than I ever could have imagined.
There’s so much that I still need to learn from you. There are so many memories I’ve yet to share.

I knew our time here on Earth was precious, but I never knew how precious until now. Clinging on to every last second with you. Every last chance I can get to feel your hand in mine or rustle my fingers through your hair like you always loved for me to do. I know one of those times will be the last. And I’m just not ready, Mom.

I sat there today and watched your chest as it moved up and down, as you struggled to take those breaths. I watched your eyelids open and close and I looked down at your pretty pink toenails. I’ve been trying to soak up every moment with you, never taking one second for granted.

I’m sorry that you are going through this, Mom. We all wish we could jump into your body and fight this for you.

Mom, can’t we go back?
Can’t we go back to when I was little and you’d walk me along the beach as I picked up seashells?
Can’t we go back to all the nights you’d braid my hair into a million braids so it’d be wavy the next day?
Can’t we go back to all our mother-daughter dates? I’d treat you to that McDonald’s milkshake or we can share a Mr. Pibb with two straws when we go to see a movie.
Can’t we go back to all the days we’d drive around in The Lady, blasting music and dancing?
Can’t we go back to all times we’d get ready to go somewhere only to find out our clothing colors matched?
Can’t we just go back, Mommy?

I can’t bear the thought of being without you. Of knowing I can’t pick up the phone and hear your sweet voice on the other line. Or see another email from you pop up just checking in to see how I’m doing. Or just knowing I won’t be able to hug you whenever I feel like it or say “I love you” and hear it back.

You have shown me the true meaning of unconditional love. You’ve shown me what it means to be a family. You’ve shown me what it means to be a daughter, wife, and mother. You gave me the greatest gift of all – life. I promise to live a life in honor of you.

I’m just not ready to say goodbye, Mom. I love you.

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We found out today that my mom has an incurable cancer. Our hearts were shattered even more after hearing that the cancer is so advanced that she may only be with us for a few more days before God takes her away. I can’t even explain the pain I feel having to put that last sentence into words. This all happened so quickly and, in the words of my brother, “it hit so fast and hard that it’s almost unbearable.” Every letter I type, I become more and more afraid of losing her; my beautiful, sweet Mom.