I haven't been writing much lately. The words just haven't been finding their way to me. I wrote a little while back about how I had insomnia and migraines that lasted over a week. I thought I had fought them away, but Wednesday night, I found myself staring at the time on the clock: 4:30 am. Again.
Insomnia is exhausting. No pun intended. It's a lonely, sick feeling. To have your body be so tired, yet your mind keeps racing while the world is asleep. During my hours of insomnia, my mind was all over the place. From calculating in my head the exact hours I had worked this week to a routine I learned at dance camp 10 years ago playing over and over in my mind. I stressed about the countless emails I knew I'd find upon waking up [if I ever fell asleep] and wondered if I dropped my camera lens in the grass while getting out of the car at my mom's funeral last year.
It's a difficult thing for me as I walk this path of self-development, being my purpose, and surrounding myself with positivity. I'm seeing how toxic things outside of myself are affecting my happiness, my quality of life, and even my sleep. Yet, I know that's not okay because we are responsible for our own happiness. And although, given my current circumstances, these toxic things are not something I can rid from my life as of yet, I have to figure out a way to filter out what I allow in to my true self.
I'm not there yet. But I'm working on it.