Friday, May 11, 2012

Thoughts for This Weekend

As we all know, this Sunday is Mother's Day. Although this won't be my first Mother's Day not by her side (the last two years, I was living in Utah) it will be the first one without her here on this Earth. My heart breaks knowing the last Mother's Day I ever got to spend with her ended up being three years ago. But believe me... I was never the one to say, "Oh, there's always next year." I truly wanted to do everything I could (even from afar) to let my mom know how much she meant to me. The fear of losing her was always in the back of my mind, especially while living so far away.

The truth is, I'm always going to celebrate Mother's Day. That day is always going to be about her. This year, instead of sitting beside my mom while she opens her card or calling her on the phone while she opens up her gift, I'll be taking flowers to her grave.

Some days I still can't believe it. In fact, every time I stop to really think about it, I'm still astonished. How can she really be gone?

I can't even tell you how badly my soul aches at certain times; just aching for one of those Mom Hugs. I'm sure you know the kind.


This time last year, I had just started a blog on Wordpress. I remember sitting in bed writing a post for Mother's Day then and my heart was so very full that I could not keep myself from crying. I just went back and read through that post. It's almost like God knew that was the last Mother's Day I'd "share" with my mom. He had me pour out my heart. If you'd like to read the post, I'm linking to it here.  The one and only comment I received on it was from my sweet Mom...

Reading her comment now, it almost seems like it was an early goodbye... My mom didn't say those things to me often, but when she did, they meant the world.

Mom, I love you so much and still can't believe you are gone. I hope to honor you this weekend (as well as every day) as the thoughtful, caring, smart, and dedicated Mother that you were. I wish we had the chance to make more memories together...

*I know I'm not the only one who is missing a mother this weekend. Sending each of you a big squeeze and many prayers for a peaceful heart. They are watching over us.*

15 comments:

Danielle said...

Hi Chelsea - I started reading your blog just days before your mother passed away and each and everyone one of your posts has touched my heart in so many ways. I cannot imagine the grief you must have went through and still be going through, especially on a weekend like this. My husband's mother passed away from cancer a few years ago and he has a really hard time sharing his feelings about his pain and heartache of not having her around. He can talk about all of the good times and memories (which I love to hear about) but I know he has so much sadness buried within those good memories. Your words have opened my heart and mind to seeing what he went through and what he may be going through still. Your blog has helped me open up to him and talk to him about his feelings. I was afraid that I would be overstepping my boundaries by having him talk about his pain, but in the end, it has helped us grow to be a better husband and wife. I will pray for you this weekend and continue to pray for you and your family. It sounds like your mother really knew and still knows how much she is really loved. God Bless you all.

Miss K said...

I'll be thinking of you all weekend love!

Katie said...

Absolutely loving Danielle's comment above. There are so many amazing people in blog world. I feel your pain on mothers day. I will be visiting my Mom on sunday. Giving you a virtual hug! xoxo

Amy Lynn said...

Thinking of you and I truly hope your mom has a great Mother's day up in the clouds! I bet she'll be on an island, sipping cocktails, and catching some rays on Sunday. At least that's what I like to think mom's do up in the clouds on their special day. Your posts make me appreciate my mom even more and know how lucky I am to have her with me every day. Hugs to you and I hope Sunday goes as smoothly for you as it possibly can. Keep your chin up, you're such a strong person!

Lauren said...

I have a very sweet friend who is in the process of losing her mom... It may just be days :( I know it will be a hard mother's day for her too. Love you and thinking about you always, but especially this weekend <3

Sophie @ threetimesf said...

Thinking of you this weekend, and thank you again for being so honest :)

Shayna said...

I read your other post from last year & I think you're right - God knew that would be the last mother's day "together". I'm glad you're getting to go to the cemetery this weekend. I like to do that for my Mom too! I just can't tell you how my heart aches for you knowing that you are beginning to go through all of the "first" without her. Just know that she is looking down on you & so so proud of the lady that you are! Big hugs from Texas!!!

Carolyn said...

I'll be thinking about you this weekend my friend!!! My heart goes out to you!

Carolyn said...

Also - the comment your mom left on your post brought me to tears. I love that you have that note from her though! SO SWEET!!!! Hugging you through the internet. :)

The Management said...

The comment from your mom brought tears to my eyes. This is a lovely post- you are obviously so, so strong and I bet your mom is watching over you with the proudest smile on her face.

Brittanie said...

This was so amazing and reading your mom's comment definitely brought upon the tears. I'll be thinking about you this weekend, and just know your mom is definitely smiling and thinking about you, too! I wrote about Mother's Day on my blog and how in my work I hear the words "I want to volunteer in memory/honor of my mom" and there isn't a time that goes by where my heart doesn't break.
Sending you lots of love!

Raquel said...

I'll be thinking about you and praying for you this weekend love!

Sending you lot's of hugs!
xoxo

Lori said...

this post gave me the chills. sending you loads of hugs and prayers this week...

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http://penelopeblue.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

I also will be going to visit my mom at her grave for the first time for Mother's Day...My mom passed away 40 days after finding out she had stage 4 cancer last year. There are times when I feel so excited to tell her news or need her to help me get through a hard day, and to realize she is no longer a phone call or drive away...she was not only my mom but my best friend. Her life ended too soon...I still need my mom...:(
This past year has been a huge growing experience for me and the meaning of life...I am separating from my husband of 12 years after a very rocky marriage...boy do I need my mom. However, I do find myself when I'm alone in my car talking to her...is that crazy...lol. It gives me some sense of peace..I do feel she is listening...hugs..
-Christie

Kristin said...

I feel you girl. hugs to you