Two Years Without Mom

Two years. I've often tried but always felt as though I cannot entirely convey the feeling in your soul when your mother has died.

It's true. A part of you dies as well.

An hour into tomorrow, February 22nd, will mark two years since my mom passed into the next life, as we sat by her side, hanging on to every last breath. Two years. I think about her constantly. But it's the hole buried deep within my heart that continues to remain empty that burns. Every second of silence or stillness and that physical burn within me is felt. The void never disappears.

And I've accepted that.

But it's hard never hearing "I love you!" It's hard never getting motherly advice, even when it's unsolicited. It's hard never getting a "mom hug" when I'm going through a rough time. Her voice is but a memory as are her hugs, her spaghetti, and all the little thoughtful gifts that came when you least expected them, reminding you that she cared. Always.

And without those things in life anymore, it changes.

I think we all grow up, knowing, as much as we don't like to admit or think about it... that our parents aren't always going to be with us. Some of us lose them younger in life and some of us even get the wonderful blessing of seeing our parents with their great-grandchildren. But life is so, so precious. I can't say this enough. And as dark and "hush hush" as it may be thought of by some, seeing your mother go from being full of life to struggling to take her final breath to laying there lifeless and cold in front of you... it wakes you up for the rest of your life.

So, wake up now. Stop living life unconsciously. Stop taking part in things like gossiping and lying and settling and waiting. Because one day, whether you want to believe it or not, you'll get the phone call or the prognosis as the doctor stands in front of your family that will alter your life forever. Tell your loved ones how much they mean to you, go to that family dinner, mend broken relationships.

When my mom left for the emergency room that night, I had no idea that she would never be coming back. I had no idea it'd be the last time I'd help her put her jacket on and see her walk out that door. No idea at all. Life happens faster than we can comprehend.

I can't bring her back. Nothing can. But I can live my life now fuller and truer than ever before. In honor of her. In honor of the greatest gift that she could have given me - the precious gift of life.

I love you, Mom.

The Crossroads

Crossroads. I've had a lot of them. I thought going away to college would have been one of the most major, along with getting my first job in the "real world." However, I was wrong. Very wrong. The last time I took part in these Sometimes Sweet journal prompts, I was at the beginning of the greatest crossroad of my life.

Photography by J. Poling

I had no idea that six months later, my mom's life would come to an abrupt end, leaving my family devastated and leaving me without the one woman who had helped me through it all. The next couple months are all a blur. I continued going back to an unhealthy relationship. I was fragile, unsure, and unsteady. What the hell had just happened?

Eventually, I started to break away the chains that were holding me down. I was tired of being numb. I was tired of being hurt. I was tired of giving the power away. It was time to take that power back and live the life I was meant to live. Somehow, my mom's death propelled me into manifesting the life I had always wanted... the happiness I had always wanted.

In December of 2012, I moved to San Diego. Something that once had just been a dream, was a reality. It's in San Diego that life really started to take off for me. It's where I found peace, meaning, self-love, and inevitably, it's where I found my purpose. It's a huge landmark of my life that I will always look back on because it symbolizes so much of what life is all about to me.

I've since moved to the East Coast where I am pursuing my purpose and my passion as a life coach. So, I guess in a sense, this is another crossroad for me. It's another new pathway. One with challenges and speed bumps and a-ha moments. But the greatest thing about this new pathway, is the peace it brings. To know without a doubt that I'm on the path I'm meant to be on.

And I guess that is what the crossroads of our lives are for. We can't always control our circumstances. But we can control the way we react. We can control the meaning we assign to those circumstances. Eventually, they lead us to the exact path we are meant to be on. 

I'm the Kinda Girl Who…

I'M THE KINDA GIRL WHO...

Didn't know what kinda girl she really was until the past two years.

Has forming wrinkles and a deviated septum but loves herself more than when she was a youthful teen.

Listens to Incubus or Pearl Jam at work.

Enjoys doing things alone (shopping, going to the beach, gym, etc.)

Prefers to wear Vans over stilettos any day.

Believes in falling nine times and getting up ten.

Buys a planner and then hardly writes in it.

Hates making left-hand turns without a green arrow.

Thinks it's super awkward when a guy tries to push your chair in for you.

Stands up for animals.

Watches ABC Family instead of Bravo.

Quotes Dane Cook.

Enjoys the adventure of moving to new states alone. (I mean… duh.)

Is constantly learning to release her fears.

Loves cats.

Prays to St. Anthony every time she's desperately looking for something.

Is always cold.

Wants to empower other women.

Feels emotions deeply.

Misses her mom.

--
It's always interesting to make lists like these. Some facts end up being funny and just completely off-the-wall, while others are soulful, deep, and come straight from the heart. I guess I'm a mix of both of those. I'm the kind of girl who is quirky and goofy and marches to the beat of her own drum. But I'm also the kind of girl who is intuitive and deeply spiritual and always learning. I love this gift of life so much and all the beautiful souls that have been put along my path and for those I've yet to meet. 

I'm the kinda girl who has hope at hopeless times, even if it knocks the wind out of my sails (which it always seems to do.) I'm the kinda girl who wants so badly to be a mother one day and share the bond my own mother gave to me. I'm the kinda girl who is always yearning to learn more about the kinda girl I am.

Broken Wing

I am a woman with bruises and scars.

I fall down. A lot. The frequency of falls has slowed down. But I still fall and they still hurt just as badly.

I am human. I make mistakes. But I AM human.

But sometimes (all the time) I don't let myself off the hook. I dwell and over-analyze and beat myself up over those mistakes. Because they always seem to be mistakes that were easily avoidable, yes? But then I remember the magic of the Universe and how it's through our trip-ups, shortcomings, and falls that we learn. Whatever lesson is hidden in the tears and the bruises, it's there. I promise you. I promise myself.

I'm reserved until I get to know you. Until I trust you. And once that sense of comfort is established, I put my heart on the line. And it's at that point that anything goes. I take that leap.

But... I usually over jump. I don't land on my feet. And I spend the next bit of time waiting for my broken wing to heal from that failed flight.

The healing hurts. It's not graceful and it usually includes a lot of self-bullying to the tune of, "You idiot. What were you thinking?" Sometimes the hardest thing to do is forgive yourself.

I know that my heart is tender and that no matter how hard I try to pretend that it's made out of sturdy bricks, it's fragile. Always. It's my heart and I accept it. They say to be with people who love the way that you love. And maybe that's been my problem. Maybe I've looked for the people with the brick hearts. Maybe I've looked for them as a way to make me tell myself I'm not vulnerable. But I am. With this little fragile heart of mine that's seen a lot, felt a lot, been through a lot... I still have this heart. It's my heart and I accept it.

Looking back, I see a bit of a pattern in this thing called life. We're rolling along, making lots of forward progress and movement and feeling great and confident about life when, BAM... disaster strikes. But, we are not our circumstances. We can't allow ourselves to fall victim to those trip-ups and shortcomings. The truth is, if we never try, we'd never know. And we owe it to ourselves to be proud that we had the guts to even make that jump.

We may fall, time after time. We may have to wait as our broken wing heals. But one day, after one of those jumps, those wings will take us on our greatest flight yet.  We will soar. And our little, tender heart will continue to beat on.

Everything Has Changed

The other night, as I was getting ready for bed, reflecting on a lot of the big changes that are currently taking place and where I am in life right now, I started thinking about change. More specifically, about how much I have changed as a person. It kind of freaked me out for a second. Like, holy sh*t! I used to be that girl?

I looked back at my life three years ago. Three years. Not too long ago but still a significant amount of time has passed since then. And, well, everything about me has changed. Errrrythang.

The state that I live in.
My hair color.
My marital status.
My religion.
My diet.
My lifestyle.
My style.
My happiness.
My thought process.
My friends.
My family.
My career.
My hobbies.
My ability to handle uncertainty.
My confidence.
My self-image.
My life.

Yep, now you're understanding why I had a "holy sh*t" moment. Everything in my entire life has changed. And then I discovered why. It's not that I have changed, necessarily; that somehow I just became a magical new person and knew how to be happy and surround myself with awesome people and go after my dreams and not give a flying you-know-what what anybody else thinks. No.

Instead, I did something that sounds really simple but for those of you who've been through it too, you know it's easier said than done... I found myself. Really, truly. I stopped trying to impress "what's his face" and stopped comparing myself to "what's her name" and just took the time to get to know everything about myself. About my soul, my heart, my innate being.

Most importantly, I stopped trying to be what I thought I "should" be... whether by my mom's standards, my "friends'" standards, my former church's standards, society's standards, etc. and I just WAS. I AM. I can finally be. And by truthfully, authentically, organically BEING, life is constantly this exciting, amazing, captivating gift and puzzle and blast all at the same time.

This is the woman I was created to be.

Everything has changed. That's life. We wake up everyday with new opportunities and new choices to make. Those choices and shifts that we consciously make for ourselves and for our lives are what create the changes. And, little by little, on days like the one I just had, we look back and say, "holy sh*t!" Some of those changes are painful and some seem impossible to make, others are easy and natural. But, if those changes remain in harmony with our true self, we'll say that "holy sh*t" with a big grin ;)

Life Update: Onto State Number Four

Oh, hello. Forget about me? This is for sure the longest I've gone without consistently blogging. And this is the obligatory post where I update you/tell you what I've been up to while I have clearly not been blogging.

The biggest update is: I'm moving (as I mentioned in my last post over a week ago.)

What's even better is that I'm moving to (yet) another state! Moving from state-to-state is one of my favorite things to do, didn't ya know?! You're not going to believe me when I say that this time, I'm not moving across the United States as I've done every-flipping-other-time. Nope, I'm moving one state away!

[the best scene from Wedding Crashers]
And here's a little back-tracking for those of you who can't keep up with me. It happens. I forgive you. I moved to San Diego last year and then moved back to the East Coast in November where I did some hopping around for my life coaching business purposes. Yes, I moved all the way out to California with the intention of staying there forever. BUT, once I decided to start life coaching, and found THE most perfect certification program to become a part of (that is based out of Orlando, FL) I realized that the Universe was taking me on a different path!

So, back to the East Coast I went, dropped Stella off at my dad's in Northern VA, and ventured to Florida where I met my beautiful Orlando life coaching family. You can read a little about that lovely time of mine here. Class and coaching continue now from afar (gotta love technology, right?) so I was able to spend some time in NY/NJ before starting work in the DC area (Maryland, to be exact.)

As some of you may know by now, I have a love/hate relationship with my home state of Virginia (I almost typed "my home state of Northern Virginia" because, well, Northern VA is not Virginia ;) So, deep down, I knew settling down in Virginia just was not going to happen. Through work and new friends and a whole lot of real estate research, I decided on moving to a lovely up-and-coming city just 5 miles from D.C.

Apparently it's like a "thing" that if you're from Virginia, you don't cross the river and move into MD and if you're from Maryland, you don't cross the river and move into VA. State rivalry, I suppose. Welp, I tend to march to the beat of my own drum and have fallen in love with Maryland! So, I'm doing it!

I'll finally be moving into a hi-rise like I've dreamt of! I'll have Metro one block away, shops, town centers, (Trader Joe's AND Whole Foods) parks, restaurants, you name it, bam... right there! I'll have a new city (and state!) to explore, and a new place to make my own and call home!

So, this is where my energy has been focused lately. In buying new furniture and decor to make my place as "me" as possible! To getting all furniture ordered, deliveries set-up, and move-in arrangements made. I'll try to write periodically and, eventually, once everything is ready to go, I might do a home tour :) Here's to change, new opportunities, and moving to new states! Oh, and maybe some new shoes? ;)

[ShoesbyKat on Etsy!]

I've always been a sucker for that Maryland flag. I'm 100% ready to become a Marylander! Get ready for posts about my new journey, places I find and love, and some awesome Maryland traditions. Also, Marylanders, what are your recommendations for me? What are some must-sees and must-dos? :)

New Birthday, New Page

Another year older today. Having a birthday just after all of the holidays is pretty chaotic most years. You have gratitude in November, Christmas blessings in December, followed by a whole lot of reflecting back on what changes to make for the New Year. There's the baking and gifting and familying and friending. Then, bam, it's my birthday. It's never really the New Year that propels me forward. It's my birthday. Turning the page over into a new age is always a huge time of reflection for me. But even more so, it's a huge time of action for me.

photography by J. Poling

A lot of changes have happened in my life since my birthday last year. Last year was a really difficult birthday for me. I had just moved to California by myself, but it was the fact that it was my first birthday since my mom died that made it tough to get through. I spent the day in Laguna Beach which brought some lightheartedness to the day as well as a whole lot of sunshine.

That year of my life was the best yet. I accomplished so many life-long dreams and goals I had set for myself and checked many big things off of my bucket list. Through the loss of my mom and the journey of independence I took, I learned how precious life is. I learned to take ownership for the results that I see day-to-day. I learned that only I can know and create the life that fulfills me, serves me, and lifts me higher every single day. So, I continued taking action.

Today, as I turn another year older, I feel so blessed to be working toward my passion and life purpose, as a life coach. It makes me glow just to say that. I spend my days working a job that brings me joy and spend evenings going to class to do what, to me, is the greatest blessing - learning the tools of deep life transformation. And now, as I reach this birthday, I will be starting yet another new chapter...

I found myself the most perfect hi-rise condo for where I am right now in life. Or, maybe I should say that it somehow found me. It was one of those things I've had on my "list" and knew it would come about when the time was right. So, at the end of this exciting birthday month of mine, I'll be making that move and writing another new page in my book.

And that will be the beginning of my year that's full of so much potential. I have high hopes and big goals for this year. I'm in different surroundings with different people in a different line of work and I'm happy. So happy. And knowing that this happiness is only going to increase as the days continue… now that's pretty awesome.

I'm reminded that it's not in the New Year or on our birthday that we should celebrate or set new goals or hold ourselves to a certain standard. That should happen everyday. Make every second count. Don't give up. Don't settle. Don't sell yourself short. Take your wildest dreams and make them a reality. Come on, I dare you :)

What dreams are you making a reality this year?