Monday, February 20, 2012

The One Ache I’ve Feared to Feel

In yesterday’s post, I started to address something that may have come as a shock to some of you. If you haven’t read it, please do so here, otherwise, today’s post won’t make as much sense.

I finished that post saying that I now know why those events happened in my life when and how they did. I trust God’s plan and timing.

Since the start of this year, my mom has been sick and has progressively gotten worse. On Wednesday night, my dad and mom made the decision to take her into the emergency room to have her checked out and eventually the doctors there decided it was best for her to be transported to the hospital.

In less than 24 hours she would be rushed to the ICU.

The hours seemed to quickly whir by as tests uncovered additional complications with my mom’s health.

On Friday, I left work early, picked up my brother and we went to the hospital where my dad and other brother awaited. That day, my mom had a biopsy on a mass the doctors had found. I saw my mom soon after for the first time since she left the house on Wednesday. Seeing her in that state was unbearable, to say the least. I smiled and told her that her blue eyes were still as beautiful as ever and told her how strong she was.

Saturday was also spent at the hospital. I could see the frustration in my mom’s eyes as she rustled in the hospital bed, dealt with the pains and stresses of her illness, and was poked and prodded for treatments.

My mom will always be the strongest person I know.

She is a 45-year survivor of Hodgkin’s Disease (cancer of the lymphatic system).

Today we will find out whether cancer has found its sick, sad way back into her body.

I’m praying harder than I ever had for the 5% chance that she doesn’t have it.

MeMom

As I spoke to my mom and cried with her yesterday, we talked about this past year of my life. I apologized to her for the turmoil and thanked her for always being there for me, no matter the hour. She told me to “just let go of it.”

So I have. And, in those moments, I knew God has been working this whole time. I knew He had the events take place in my life when they did (no matter how hard it was to piece together back then) because He needed me to be home for good with my mom in these moments. If it weren’t for what happened, I’d still be in Utah wrapped up in an unhealthy relationship moving farther and farther away from my truest potential. I know the dreams my mom has for me and I want to make her proud. I know that God has put me back on the path to do those things. Above all else, I’m able to be here with my mom.

I know this path isn’t going to be easy, especially now. The thought of my mom over in that hospital bed, hooked up to machines breaks my heart worse than any man ever has. This is the one ache I’ve feared to feel my entire life.

I love you, Mom. I’m sending every prayer in my soul your way. I’m praying for a miracle.

32 comments:

Mackenzie said...

I just got chills reading this. Praying for you, your mom and peace in both of your hearts. And a miracle of course! Sending thoughts your way <3

CALLIE said...

I have been praying hard for you and your mother all weekend and will continue to do so!! She sounds like an incredible woman.

Ashley @ The Sweet Life said...

I am sending the biggest hug your way. I want to cry for you, but it seems like you have your head wrapped around this situation pretty well. Hoping and praying for the best, for the both of you.

Katie said...

Chels, you have no idea how much I know what you are going through! Please please tweet me text me anything. I would love to be a support system for you. I will be praying SO HARD today for your Mom. My heart aches for you and your family. LOVE YOU!

XOXO

Shay said...

Omgosh love...I'm praying so hard for you! If you need anything at all, please let me know. Sending up the BIG prayers...Love you!

Lia Joy said...

Chelsea, you've really been on my heart the past few days. And I've been constantly praying for your mom, for you and for your family. God works in mysterious ways. With all that you've been through in the past year, He knew that you needed to be home at this time!

I know that the power of prayer is a remarkable thing. Your family will continue to be in my prayers. And sweet friend, you know I am here. Please let me know if there's anything I can do for you. I'm here if you want to talk :)

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Megan said...

this brought immediate tears to my eyes and im praying for your mom and family and am hopeful in a miracle...

your mom sounds like an incredibly strong person...a trait that has absolutely been passed down to the next generation :) keep strong chels!

ashlyn | nicole said...

chels, wow. my heart is hurting for you. & through this post i can feel all your pain. God does have a funny way of showing us things that we never expected. Like you said you didn't understand when it was happening, but now it is a blessing in disguise that you are able to be here for your mom through this incredibly tough time. I will be praying hard for you, your family & your mother. I am here for you if you need to text or talk.

love you & thinking of you through this hard time.

xx. ashlyn

Tammy @ Lemons, Avocados & the Bay said...

Sending you and your family lots and lots of prayers for health, love, and joyous times spent together. It's true, God does have a plan.

Hang in there....

whitney said...

chels, i am so sorry to hear about your mom.

let me know if you need anything.

you and your family are in my thoughts!

xo,whit

Carolyn said...

Oh hon! I'm praying for your mom!!! :(

Jazmine said...

Not going to lie but this made me tear up. I'm sorry about your mom. Stay strong girl. Leave everything up to God.

Anna Elder said...

I'm really so sorry to read about your tumultuous life as of lately. My heart aches for your family and your mother. I hope the Dr.'s can improve your mother's health and get her back on track. My grandmother had non-hodgkin's lymphoma. I pray that you and your family get answers and peace very soon. xoxo

whit said...

Thoughts are with you and your family today. Hope you hear nothing but good news. You're a strong lady and so is your mama!

Alexandria said...

I'm so sorry about your mom, love. I'm wishing you and the rest of your family the best in this rough time. But I have great faith that everything will be ok. Keep your head up. xo

Lauren said...

Something I have learned over and over and over again - Statistics mean nothing to God! Absolutely nothing. So when grim numbers are thrown your way, take them in but realize that the enemy has no power against our God - in whatever form it comes, sickness included. Praying for your mom and your whole family has you continue on this journey together.

Megan said...

This left me in tears. Life is just so hard sometimes and without the Lord and family and friends, we would be LOST. I'm praying for a miracle for her as well.

Megan@ Meg's Craft Creations said...

Your sweet mother will be in my prayers! So sorry for this hardship Chelsea, be strong.

Megan

Ashley Slater said...

sending lots of prayers up for you all! I hate that you are going through such a rough season of life.... its never easy, but you have your sweet family and God to look to so you can know everything will happen just as it is meant to!

xo,
ashley

Kate @ Daffodils said...

Praying for your family!

Denise said...

I'm praying for you and your mom!! I know what its like to watch your mother lay in the ICU not knowing whats going on! It's the hardest thing in the world! I'm so happy you are finding a better path to walk on and to move forward from the divorce! It's very admirable. I'm here for you if you ever need anything :)

Ashley said...

Chels, this post gave me the chills. I'm thinking and praying for you and your mom. If you need anything, just say the word! You are such a strong girl. I hope that everything turns around for the better for you and your family... Sending much love! xoxo

Allison said...

Praying for your sweet mom & your family. God is amazing and we may never truly understand why things happen.

Raquel said...

Chelsea i'm SO sorry girly. You have no idea how HARD i'm praying for your mom right now. I'm legit tearing up. Please please pleeeease if you need ANYTHING text me, tweet me, whatever, I'll be here for you.

Megan said...

sending so much love and prayers you and your familys way my dear. xxxx

Miss K said...

i'm so sorry love, prayers and thoughts to your family

Ashley said...

praying for a miracle for your mom Chelsea! nothing is impossible! hang in there friend.

XO, A

Amanda C. said...

God works in mysterious ways. I am praying for you and your family. Your mom is obviously a fighter, stay strong for her.

Leah said...

This put a pit in my stomach. My mom is the most important person in my life and I can't even imagine what you are going though. Sending prayers your way.

Courtney B said...

I want to say something so profound right now. Something that will make you feel so strong and GOOD. But the only thing I can think of is that I want to give you a big hug right now. And I am PRAYING for you and your family, sweet girl!

Ashley said...

You are in my prayers! I'm so sad to learn about this. Stay strong!! I am praying for your mom!

Sophie @ threetimesf said...

I'm so sorry to read these few posts Chelsea.

Losing my Dad at 16 was the worst thing that could ever happen to me, but I am even closer to my Mum and can't even begin to imagine my life without her.

Your Mum is strong though - nothing is impossible.

Thinking of you x