Is My Fear Being Conquered?

I guess that conquering a fear means you are no longer afraid of that thing. If you know me or have been following my blog for a while or perhaps have just read the little About Me on the right-hand side, you know that flying has been one of my biggest fears. I remember the first time I flew in a plane was when I was about 8 or 9. We were on our way to Disney World and every time I’d hear something strange, I’d ask my dad what it was. He’d explain that it was the wing or landing gear. I was fine.

I flew to Europe when I was 15 and I was absolutely fine then too.

Back and forth to Disney World again for dance competitions. Still fine.

Then, I started traveling alone for work. You can put me in a car for 12 hours by myself and I’m fine. Make me stay in a hotel for a week alone, I’m fine then too. But, for some reason, I started flying alone more often than not and I developed the WORST anxiety for flying. Take-off to be exact. I know, I know all you little daredevil-rollercoaster-loving people think I’m crazy.

But my fear really started to affect me physically. The night before I would leave, I couldn’t sleep. On the drive to the airport, I’d develop the biggest knot in my stomach and as soon as I boarded the plane, I’d start breathing rather heavily. As soon as we taxied out and I heard the engines start to speed up, my heart would beat faster than I knew was possible. My hands would tremble, everything would spin and I literally thought I would go into cardiac arrest. Ask anyone who’s flown with me the past several years – it’s not a pretty sight.

It’s like the fear took over my body. Xanax would help calm my heart and put me a bit more at ease, but I’d still go into panic mode.
I decided I’d try NyQuil instead. That helped too. Now, when I’m sick, that stuff knocks me out. When I’m flying on a plane, that stuff does NOT knock me out. My body still goes through too much panic to completely relax. For someone who flies quite frequently, I couldn’t understand why I had such a fear/anxiety of take-off and why it only seemed to progressively get worse.

{via}

Then, this past weekend happened and I started to notice a change.

I am someone who loves to travel. Love is probably an understatement. I feel completely alive when I’m traveling, even if that means waking up at the crack of dawn and not going to sleep for another 24 hours due to layovers and time changes. In just the past week or so I flew on 6 different flights. Did I get anxiety moments leading up to take-off? Yes. However, I started to notice a change, especially in the last two flights.

My prayers were a little less excessive. {I have to say the same prayer over and over as soon as we start to taxi away from the gate until take-off. OCD? Perhaps.}
My heart was beating at a normal rate.
I actually looked out the window as we raced down the runway!!!
I even kind of, sort of watched as we got higher and higher up into the air. That didn’t last too long though. Vertigo set in.

But, for the first time ever, as I realized what was happening and the big changes that had occurred, I asked myself one question:

Is my fear being conquered?

I’m still not entirely sure what exactly it was that made that fear subside. It wasn’t completely gone but the physical trembles and shakes and rapid heart rate had dissipated. I felt a small sense of peace in a place I hadn’t felt it in a long time.

Other than spiders, maybe fear really is something that can be conquered. Maybe we don’t always have the solution or the cure, but maybe one day our body just learns to let go of that fear. I never gave up.
No matter how fearful I became or how badly my hands shook during take-off, I never stopped wanting to travel and I never stopped traveling.
I never let that fear hold me back.

So, whatever your fear may be, I encourage you to never lose sight of the things you love. Let those things be what pushes you through the fear.
Maybe one day your fear will dissipate too :)