Mom

The right words were hard to find today. As many of you know, on February 22, 2012 I lost my sweet mom to cancer after less than 48 hours of knowing she had it. Her death turned my world upside down and has changed the way I live my life everyday moving forward. Today, in honor of my mom, I am donating my hair to Pantene Beautiful Lengths so that a woman who is undergoing treatment for cancer can have a free wig if she so chooses.

I wish there was something I could have done to help my mom. To save her. To comfort her. But there are some moments in life that are completely out of our control. Losing her was one of them.

I recently went back and re-read a post from my old blog. It was posted on Mother's Day 2011, the final Mother's Day that my mom would be alive for, although none of us knew it at the time. The comment that follows my post is the one comment I received that day. The comment is from her; my sweet mom.

-- 

“Mama said there’ll be days like this | There’ll be days like this my mama said”

This is my second Mother’s Day apart from my mom; 2,000 miles away. Whether it’s Mother’s Day or any other day, I miss my mom. She’s conquered more in her life than anyone else I know – and that includes successfully raising me ; ) She’s my hero, my friend, my teacher, my coach, my mother and I don’t know where I’d be without her.

Moving far away, being on my own, and so far away from all my friends and family has truly put everything into perspective for me. Whether it’s decorating, cooking, cleaning, shopping, taking care of the cat, finances, you name it… I consistently think of the examples my mom has given me. She can do it all. It’s taken twenty-five years for me to realize I really should have always listened to my mom. She was always right in the end. But, I guess I’m supposed to make mistakes; to find out the hard way — that’s part of growing up I guess. I still don’t know it all. I call my mom every day practically. Whether it’s for advice, to tell her good news, to complain, to cry, to tell her something funny I saw online, or just to tell her I miss her, she’s a phone call away and you better believe I pick up that phone.

It’s changed a lot from when I was a teenager and hanging out with my parents or going shopping with my mom just wasn’t the cool thing to do. Now, the people I miss most in my life are my parents and I’d shout it from the rooftops. I miss going shopping with my mom and picking up a delicious sour cream & onion Auntie Anne’s pretzel and splitting a Mr. Pibb with her. Every detail. I miss it.

“You’ve given me everything that I will need

To make it through this crazy thing called life.

And I know you watched me grow up

And only want what’s best for me.”

My mom has been there for everything in my life. For all the hours she spent back and forth taking me to dance classes, and never missing a single performance, I’ll be forever grateful. From being the “room mom,” to checking the current weather in Utah, she’s always been present in my life. She’s never let me take the easy way out in life though. She’s shown me that doing the right thing, although not the easiest way, will make me feel better in the end and get me further in life. She’s shown me through the trials she’s encountered in her life what true strength is. I want her to know how much I miss her. More importantly, I want her to know what a lasting impression she’s had on my life and what an inspiration as a mother, wife, and woman she has been to me. I know she probably couldn’t tell from how I acted when I was seventeen or even twenty-one, and maybe she can’t feel it from 2,000 miles away, but she means the world to me. She’s my mom. She’s played the most important role anyone will ever play in my life. I love her so much.

I wish more than anything I was just a short drive away from her and that we could randomly decide to go to the mall together or the bookstore to hang out. The distance makes you realize never to take those things for granted. I hope one day soon I’m back home for good and can share those special mother/daughter moments with her because they are so precious and can’t be shared with anyone else. But for now, I want her to know I’m okay and I miss her.

“Mama I’m okay out here
I’ve seen how hard the world can be
My step is sure and I know my name
I’m strong just like you prayed I’d be
I’m strong just like you prayed I’d be”

I’m my mom’s only daughter and she’s my only mom. I just want to make her proud. I love you, Mom. Just know I feel this way everyday… not just today. I miss you and hope you’ve had a wonderful Mother’s Day. I’ve already told you how hard it’s been to get through this post without crying. Let’s just say my mascara is completely smeared right now… I guess that just shows how full my heart is : )

“A daughter is a mother’s gender partner, her closest ally in the family confederacy, an extension of her self.  And mothers are their daughters’ role model, their biological and emotional road map, the arbiter of all their relationships.”  -Victoria Secund

Those were the most beautiful words to read. I would not have missed any of those moments you mention. I loved always being there for you. And I still do.

You brought tears to my eyes, but love to my heart. I miss having you closer, also, and I am so very proud of the young woman you have grown to be.

Thank you little one.

--

I am amazed looking back at this post and its timing. The fact that I wrote all of this to my mom, thanking her, letting her know how vital of a role she's always played in my life, etc. And then, her comment. It was a very rare occasion that my mom would speak from her heart like that. So, to look back and know that we were both able to express these important things from 2,000 miles away, not knowing at the time that it'd be one of our last chances to... it means the world.

I miss my mom more than words will ever be able to express. Although today marks one year since she left this world, my mind, body, and soul are still in shock. Today will certainly be a tough day to get through - for me, my dad, my brothers, my close family, and our close family friends. My mom touched so many lives. She was one-of-a-kind.

She will forever be my inspiration and we will always be the Girls of Summer.