Friday, February 21, 2014

Two Years Without Mom

Two years. I've often tried but always felt as though I cannot entirely convey the feeling in your soul when your mother has died.

It's true. A part of you dies as well.

An hour into tomorrow, February 22nd, will mark two years since my mom passed into the next life, as we sat by her side, hanging on to every last breath. Two years. I think about her constantly. But it's the hole buried deep within my heart that continues to remain empty that burns. Every second of silence or stillness and that physical burn within me is felt. The void never disappears.

And I've accepted that.

But it's hard never hearing "I love you!" It's hard never getting motherly advice, even when it's unsolicited. It's hard never getting a "mom hug" when I'm going through a rough time. Her voice is but a memory as are her hugs, her spaghetti, and all the little thoughtful gifts that came when you least expected them, reminding you that she cared. Always.

And without those things in life anymore, it changes.

I think we all grow up, knowing, as much as we don't like to admit or think about it... that our parents aren't always going to be with us. Some of us lose them younger in life and some of us even get the wonderful blessing of seeing our parents with their great-grandchildren. But life is so, so precious. I can't say this enough. And as dark and "hush hush" as it may be thought of by some, seeing your mother go from being full of life to struggling to take her final breath to laying there lifeless and cold in front of you... it wakes you up for the rest of your life.

So, wake up now. Stop living life unconsciously. Stop taking part in things like gossiping and lying and settling and waiting. Because one day, whether you want to believe it or not, you'll get the phone call or the prognosis as the doctor stands in front of your family that will alter your life forever. Tell your loved ones how much they mean to you, go to that family dinner, mend broken relationships.

When my mom left for the emergency room that night, I had no idea that she would never be coming back. I had no idea it'd be the last time I'd help her put her jacket on and see her walk out that door. No idea at all. Life happens faster than we can comprehend.

I can't bring her back. Nothing can. But I can live my life now fuller and truer than ever before. In honor of her. In honor of the greatest gift that she could have given me - the precious gift of life.

I love you, Mom.


Jenn said...

Sending you lots of hugs and happy vibes, today and tomorrow!!

Britt said...

This post is so honest. It is so hard to face the mortality not only of yourself but your family around you. Eventually you will be the person taking care of them instead of the other way around. My best friend lost her mom in college to cancer and it was one of the hardest things to watch happen. Thinking of you, xoxo.

Ash said...

chelsea... hugs and kisses and big ole bear hugs and some cat kisses, too. i think it's wonderful you have this space to write down your feelings, to get them down. i know it's what your momma would want you to do- to work through it, to persevere, to preserve her memory, and to use her life as an inspiration for yours. which is exactly what you are doing!

i love you girl!

Dayna Capone said...

Oh Chelsea,
I just cried so much for you. For the heartbreak in which you have experienced. I am sending so many prayers your way. I know nothing will make tomorrow easier but just know no matter what your mother always loved you, and always will. She was a beautiful woman. I wish you only good things to come. XOXOXO always

Amanda C. said...

I know how you feel. My mom was taken in a car wreck when I was 17. Life is precious. It's just too bad we don't know until it is taken away.

Katie Did What said...

Chelsea, love, my heart is right here with you. This post was absolutely beautiful and perfect and I want every single person to read it, because everyone needs to know this. Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart. I want you to know I'm thinking of you and also I just know that your mom is SO proud of the woman you are and how you are choosing to use what you've learned through your heartache to help others. You are such a beauty, inside and out, and I'm so happy to call you my soul sister. <3 Love you so much.


Holly said...

I've been thinking about you, doll. You are making your mother proud every day. You are an amazing human being. Love you, doll!