The Thing(s) I'm Most Afraid Of

I'm scared of everything. Don't believe me? I'll go ahead and list some of my fears for you now:

+ Loud Noises [A car I was in when I was a baby was shot out once and has scarred me
    whenever I hear loud, abrupt noises. Read: Fireworks]
+Spiders. Just... I can't.
+Tornadoes/Severe thunderstorms. And thanks to the past two Summers of East Coast
   weather, I can now add falling trees and hurricanes to this list.
+Flying used to be a big fear of mine but I am in the conquering stages right now!
+Michael Myers from Halloween.
+I even used to say cliche things like "failure" when people asked me what my greatest
   fears were.

But then, one night a couple years ago while lying in bed all the way in Utah, away from all of my family, in a place where I didn't even have any memories with my family, I felt a sense of fear I have never felt before. I feared losing my parents while living there. It was impossible for me to fathom what it would feel like if I got that phone call. Or if I had to deal with losing my mom or dad. I just literally could not even comprehend what that would feel like.

It scared me so deeply. It terrified me. Absolutely terrified me to the point where I sobbed myself to sleep on several occasions. I felt powerless. I think we often coast through our youth and teenage and sometimes even our college years without really thinking about mortality and truly accepting that one day we are going to lose the people we love most to death. And then one day after I matured, went to classmates' funerals and funerals of a grandparent and great uncles, it hit my soul that my parents wouldn't always be there.

And the thought of not having my mom or dad one day - having them one day and then never having them again the next - it hit hard. I had no idea at the time that I would lose my mom six months later. My biggest fear in life happened sooner than I ever could have realized. And now my biggest fear is losing my dad.

Aside from loss, which I think is a common fear among many of us, I fear not being able to have children when that times comes in my life. I try not to cave to the pressures of society to have children at a younger age, because I clearly will be an older mother, but that fear will always be there.

I was always fearful that my children would never be able to meet their grandparents, the same way I never got to meet my mom's late parents. Now I know she'll never be able to meet them here on Earth. If I can have children one day, they'll know her through pictures and stories and videos. But they'll never get to call her "Grammie" the way both of my brothers' children have.

Just like my mom never had a mother there to teach her as she entered into motherhood, I'll never have a mom to teach me either. I pray that one day I can have children and that they can meet their grandfather and feel her embrace through his. Until then, all I can do is pray.

Is My Fear Being Conquered?

I guess that conquering a fear means you are no longer afraid of that thing. If you know me or have been following my blog for a while or perhaps have just read the little About Me on the right-hand side, you know that flying has been one of my biggest fears. I remember the first time I flew in a plane was when I was about 8 or 9. We were on our way to Disney World and every time I’d hear something strange, I’d ask my dad what it was. He’d explain that it was the wing or landing gear. I was fine.

I flew to Europe when I was 15 and I was absolutely fine then too.

Back and forth to Disney World again for dance competitions. Still fine.

Then, I started traveling alone for work. You can put me in a car for 12 hours by myself and I’m fine. Make me stay in a hotel for a week alone, I’m fine then too. But, for some reason, I started flying alone more often than not and I developed the WORST anxiety for flying. Take-off to be exact. I know, I know all you little daredevil-rollercoaster-loving people think I’m crazy.

But my fear really started to affect me physically. The night before I would leave, I couldn’t sleep. On the drive to the airport, I’d develop the biggest knot in my stomach and as soon as I boarded the plane, I’d start breathing rather heavily. As soon as we taxied out and I heard the engines start to speed up, my heart would beat faster than I knew was possible. My hands would tremble, everything would spin and I literally thought I would go into cardiac arrest. Ask anyone who’s flown with me the past several years – it’s not a pretty sight.

It’s like the fear took over my body. Xanax would help calm my heart and put me a bit more at ease, but I’d still go into panic mode.
I decided I’d try NyQuil instead. That helped too. Now, when I’m sick, that stuff knocks me out. When I’m flying on a plane, that stuff does NOT knock me out. My body still goes through too much panic to completely relax. For someone who flies quite frequently, I couldn’t understand why I had such a fear/anxiety of take-off and why it only seemed to progressively get worse.

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Then, this past weekend happened and I started to notice a change.

I am someone who loves to travel. Love is probably an understatement. I feel completely alive when I’m traveling, even if that means waking up at the crack of dawn and not going to sleep for another 24 hours due to layovers and time changes. In just the past week or so I flew on 6 different flights. Did I get anxiety moments leading up to take-off? Yes. However, I started to notice a change, especially in the last two flights.

My prayers were a little less excessive. {I have to say the same prayer over and over as soon as we start to taxi away from the gate until take-off. OCD? Perhaps.}
My heart was beating at a normal rate.
I actually looked out the window as we raced down the runway!!!
I even kind of, sort of watched as we got higher and higher up into the air. That didn’t last too long though. Vertigo set in.

But, for the first time ever, as I realized what was happening and the big changes that had occurred, I asked myself one question:

Is my fear being conquered?

I’m still not entirely sure what exactly it was that made that fear subside. It wasn’t completely gone but the physical trembles and shakes and rapid heart rate had dissipated. I felt a small sense of peace in a place I hadn’t felt it in a long time.

Other than spiders, maybe fear really is something that can be conquered. Maybe we don’t always have the solution or the cure, but maybe one day our body just learns to let go of that fear. I never gave up.
No matter how fearful I became or how badly my hands shook during take-off, I never stopped wanting to travel and I never stopped traveling.
I never let that fear hold me back.

So, whatever your fear may be, I encourage you to never lose sight of the things you love. Let those things be what pushes you through the fear.
Maybe one day your fear will dissipate too :)

10 Day You Challenge – Day Three

I started this whole “getting to know you” thing, ohhh… a couple months ago and of course, knowing me, I never finished it. Since I’ve gotten some new followers recently, I figured this might be a good way for you to learn a bit more about me! If you haven’t already, feel free to read Day One and Day Two of the Challenge!

8. Mirrors – I’m sure this is due to all of the scary movies I’ve watched in my life but nothing good comes from mirrors {except in Alice in Wonderland!} If I see a mirror on TV, I look away. I don’t like the idea of having a mirror in my room either because, well, that freaks me out! I do like them for decorative purposes though so that’s a toughie!

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7. Heights – I thought I conquered this one when I went up the Eiffel Tower, but that was only a temporary thing. I think it’s more vertigo than fear, but heights will probably always make me uncomfortable and ridiculously dizzy. I’m sure you can only imagine how terrified I was while taking the picture below in Zion National Park. That little brown strip on the bottom left is the road!

6. Ghosts – The thought of being trapped in an old state penitentiary overnight to investigate the paranormal pretty much puts me into a panic. I used a lot of necessary P’s in that sentence. Oh, I will also add fake “haunted houses” into this as well as Michael Myers from Halloween.

Yet, somehow I set foot in the Whaley House in San Diego – what some people claim is THE most haunted house in America. The whole time I was there, I felt like I was dragging my feet through water. They felt so heavy. Creepy!

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5. Spiders – it doesn’t even matter how big or small they are. I have legit arachnophobia. No picture needed for this!

4. Lightning – I can’t do it. I know, I know you probably think it’s SO cool to look at! Not this girl. I remember one year when I was at the beach, the lifeguards cleared the sand because of lightning so everyone had to hurry back to their beach houses. Of course I’m like running/sweating/crying with a towel over my head while my friends take pictures of me.

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3. Tornadoes – Apparently Mother Nature terrifies me. I’ve mentioned it before but tornadoes literally haunt my dreams. I have recurring dreams about multiple tornadoes all the time. I don’t know how you Oklahoma/Kansas people do it. The other week when we had a tornado touch down nearby, they showed a clip on the news of people stuck in bumper to bumper rush hour traffic, unable to move, and there is a TORNADO that crosses over the freeway. I’m pretty sure I would have had a heart attack. Not even exaggerating.

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2. Take-off – So, this is the fear that I’ve encountered the most and it just progressively gets worse. I am TERRIFIED of take-off in a plane. Full-on hyperventilating, pulse-racing, head-spinning PANIC occurs as soon as I hear those entirely too loud engines start up. Those seconds of stillness just moments before take-off send me into a complete panic attack.

Me before take-off in a friggin’ PROPELLER plane!!! Who does that to me?!

1. Loss – I think this one is pretty self-explanatory. I’m scared of losing love, friendship, family, dreams. I know losing those things is part of life and part of living, but the fear will always be there.

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Speaking of fear and loss, today I am guest posting over at Meg’s Craft Creations about how I found strength during one of my most difficult times. Meg is such a thoughtful, genuine girl {who has such amazing talent for crafting!} and I’d just love for you to head on over there to keep me some company and to check out her fun blog :)

 

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself”
-FDR