#DreamDay

I have a dream that...

We will live in a world of love, no matter your skin color or who you love.

Every person will have the freedom and opportunities to find their purpose and live it.

A cure for cancer and AIDS will be found.

Animal abuse of all kinds will end.

Every child will feel safe in the presence of strangers and in the arms of family.

Our planet - its air, water, and land will be cared for and kept clean.

Peace will be found.

Living today in honor of Martin Luther King, Jr.

For his March on Washington.

For his courage, strength, and example.

For his dream.

What do you dream?

What Spring Means to Me

I am so excited for this Spring. My first Spring, and first full season, in San Diego. I'm excited for shorts and sandals. My toes in the warm sand. And eventually getting in the Pacific :)

I'm excited for warmer evenings watching the sunset. And even more excited for the nights I get to watch it snuggled up in strong arms. I'm excited for craft fairs. Craft beers. Zoo nights. And the slow progression into a San Diegan Summer.

This Spring means more outdoor brunches. Coffee in my backyard. Colorful nails and toes. The smell of the flowers as I walk outside. The warm touch of the sun on my back.

And what better place to experience all of that? What better place to smell the sweet salt air, watch the palms sway in the breeze, and to feel the fresh grass, the soft sand on my feet? San Diego. This is where I'm meant to be. And, Spring, I welcome you here with open arms.

What does Spring mean to you where you live?

A Time Switch for the Better

Has the whole "Spring Forward" time switch been messing with anyone else? I've been finding that it's affected me... in a good way! But it is super flip-flopped.

I'm going to bed earlier.
And waking up earlier.

Isn't it supposed to work the other way around? Why I'm getting tired earlier, I have no idea. Honestly, I think I've just been jam-packing my days with more recently.

But I do enjoy soaking up the sun a little longer every evening. I've been paying more attention to the way the sun shifts throughout the day. The way my backyard fills with sunlight. The way it feels as it hits my face.

[The sunrise in Downtown SD Monday morning]

Until the first day of Spring, I'll be enjoying the end of my San Diegan Winter this weekend lounging at the beach and having a fun date night Saturday full of seafood and probably another gorgeous sunset. Live vicariously through me via Instagram if you so choose, but don't say I didn't warn ya of future jealousy ;) [@chelseasunset]

[And, also, as we all probably know by now, Google Reader is being done away with on July 1st, so, if you need a new way to read this blog, you can find me on Bloglovin' here!]

Happy last weekend of Winter, friends!

I Might Sound Like A Hippie

This past weekend is behind me now. With all its bad memories and all the new good ones that I made. My hair has been cut! I'm working on getting a few pictures taken and will share the new look with you soon!

Today, I just wanted to talk about some random but relevant thoughts I'd had on meeting new people. Moving to a new city on the other side of the country is exciting, to say the least. I can go through almost every day seeing nothing but new faces. To some people that may be scary or boring but to me, it's pretty darn cool! There are so many people and cultures and stories to be told.

So, I consider myself pretty lucky to have met so many new people in such a short period of time. Some meetings are mere run-ins and others have developed into stronger connections but through each person, I've gained a better understanding of, well, humanity I suppose. But I've also learned something pretty deep about relationships in their early stages.

It's not just about personalities.
It's not just about similarities.
It has a lot to do with energies.

That's right - I've been learning how much I feed off of or perhaps don't feed off of other people's energies. I know... deep, right? [Is this where I should start talking about your aura?] But it's true! And I never really realized it until now.

Whether it's the girl that started gabbing to me in line at Target, whether it's the new dean that recently joined our church here, the guy I went out on a date with, or my neighbors - I've seen how their energies mesh with my own energy.

And sometimes you meet someone who you'd initially think you have a lot "in common" with. Someone who's nice and friendly and carries conversation well. But there's that something missing, right? There's a weird vibe, or something is just "off." I think it's simply that your energies don't mesh. No matter how hard you try, it's just not there. It's not something we can help. After all, all we are is energy in the end...

But then there are the people whose company just seems to make you ignite. You just genuinely feel "brighter," "happier," better" when your energies interact. [I think the same goes for the blogging community. There can be people whose lifestyle is different from mine. Or our fashion sense. Or what we do for fun. But whenever I'm on their blog, reading their words or gazing at their pictures, and eventually chatting with them, I connect.]

And, to me, I feel like those are the people you want to spend your time with. The people leaving you feeling "brighter," "happier," "better." Those are the people who take life from ordinary to extraordinary. And those people might not be the same for you as they are for me and that's okay. Just find them. And learn from them. And help them learn from you too :)

Are you feelin' my "energy" on this one or have I turned into a hippie after all? ;)

Letting Happiness Ignite

Happiness is...

Actually loving the work that you do. Enjoying it. Dreaming about it. Seeing the vision you have come to life. Even if it means sacrificing your social life [and the majority of your sleep.] It's seeing the final product and whole-heartedly loving it :)

Happiness is...

Going to the place where you held your first job for a yummy dinner paid for by a gift card :) It's indulging in that tasty blood orange Italian soda, the lobster ravioli, and chocolate ganache! Oh, and the warm, rosemary bread...

Happiness is...

Watching your sweet kitty rolling around in the sun. Smelling the refreshing September air. And still being glad that she's an indoor cat :)

Happiness is...

Being silly with my niece. Letting her poke me. Dancing together. Giggling. Tummy tickles. 

Happiness is...

Seeing how happy she is with Missy. Hearing her squeal when the cat walks into the room. Remembering what true and simple happiness really is after seeing that.

Happiness is...

Candid family shots that capture those happy moments. Watching fun, kids' YouTube clips and getting your niece to like Zoobilee Zoo :)

Videos full of happiness, dancing, and cookies :)

While I do love a good hair day or finally finding more chambray tops that I've been looking for [I didn't end up shopping at all this weekend] I know that it's the little moments, the little things, that bring us true happiness. I know that life hands us unhappy moments, rough trials, and unexpected twists - not to make life less enjoyable but to make our true happiness ignite.

After all, it is through the bad times that we are able to appreciate the good. 

My heart has been really full lately. Full of a lot. A lot of things that just need to be sorted out. I'm at one of life's crossroads. There are many things in my past that will be left there and not brought to the future journey. There are also many opportunities that lie ahead - and the time is coming where I'll need to decide which opportunities to take now, which to turn away, and which to save for later. 

As I make those decisions, I'll be sure to keep happiness in mind. I want the happiness in my life to continue to grow and I must make the decisions for myself that will allow that to happen.

Finding Your Calling

I found an amazing book one night while I was out at one of my favorite spots - Barnes & Noble. The book is called God Never Blinks by Regina Brett. If the title doesn't already make you fall in love with it, let me just say how amazing this book truly is. Each chapter is filled with little stories and lessons to make you think. To inspire you. To motivate you. To get you on your feet. I can open up to any page, read for ten minutes, and be left feeling like I can pretty much conquer anything. 

So, the other day, I did just that. I randomly opened up to a chapter and started reading. This chapter was entitled, "Don't Compare Your Life to Others'. You Have No Idea What Their Journey is All About." Amen, right? But the chapter was really about so much more than just that. A good portion of the message within this chapter focused on truly finding our calling/vocation in life.

Regina talked about how growing up in Catholic school, the students' options were basically to become either a priest or a nun. That was to be their "vocation" in life. She mentioned how most of those students ended up choosing jobs and careers instead of callings and vocations. She herself ended up jumping around from job to job before eventually finding that writing was her calling. However, before she knew that writing was her calling in life, she read something written by Frederick Buechner that really put everything into perspective for her.

I wanted to share that quote with you today:

“The kind of work God usually calls you to is the kind of work (a) that you need most to do and (b) that the world most needs to have done…The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.” 

- Frederick Buechner

Regina paraphrased it by saying, "The place God chose for you is the intersection where your greatest joy and the world's greatest need meet."

Read that one more time. Let is resonate with you. 

She said it really helped her to fine-tune her focus in life and now it's helping me to fine-tune my own. We were each given talents and strengths that are completely unique to us. That didn't just happen by coincidence. We each have a calling here on Earth. It is up to us to seek it out and put it into action.

[via]

The idea of finding my purpose and my calling has been on my mind for years, to be honest. Reading this one, five-paged chapter brought some very important insight into my life and has pushed me forward into making it all a reality.

I think this post is going to tie in nicely with Thursday's Journey Forward post on what challenges and set-backs we have encountered through our Journey thus far. So, be sure check back in on Thursday for that :)

Now, I'm curious to know - have you found your calling yet? Are you on your way toward finding it?

One Month Later

One month ago today was the last full day I spent with my Mom. The initial shock has started to wear off. I realized that the adrenaline was what had been keeping me going for so long. It still does for most of the day.

Anyway, the grief is oftentimes unbearable. It physically consumes my body and sucks out almost every ounce of energy, usually when I least expect it. It just hits. I've written about this before, here.

I think back to the moments I saw my mom in the hospital and my heart breaks. Each moment was so different from the last. You see, when my dad took my mom to the ER one Wednesday evening, I had absolutely no idea that it would be the last time she walked out that door. I figured it would be similar to the time she went about a month prior- they'd run some tests and send her on her way. I was wrong. I've learned to never assume anything when it comes to health.

My mom never came home.
Less than a week from the moment she left for the hospital, she took her last breath and her heart stopped. She was gone.

I'm grateful that I had those few days in the hospital with my Mom. Minus the hospital gown and oxygen mask, she still seemed like my Mom for most of the time, despite the fact that the cancer was attacking her more aggressively than we could have imagined. She was making her lists of what needed to be done at home, telling us when she wanted to talk and when she didn't, etc. But, during the final two days, there'd be moments I'd look at her and could just tell she was starting to go. She didn't have it all in her anymore. There was one experience that happened that confirmed to me that she would be leaving us soon. Maybe one day I'll share that.

But, I just think about those moments in the hospital. The look in her eyes. The sound of her breaths. Those are the moments I feel the hole in my life.

I said my goodbyes. I held her hand in her final four hours of life. I will forever be grateful that I could be there to see her out of this life and into the next... But, I'll tell you one thing - a little part of my soul went with her. I have been forever changed by those moments. Watching your only mother die changes you.

I know I mention my Mom and the pain of her death on here a lot. I don't say all of this to be dark and heavy. I say it because this is what happened. This is life.

Lights Will Guide You Home, Mom

This song was played on repeat throughout my Mom's funeral service. Feel free to play it as you read along...

My Mom's funeral was held just a few short days after she passed away. While the service itself was personal, there are a few details I wanted to share on my blog.

The visitation was held on a Friday evening. The funeral home was filled with the scent of beautiful florals. The delicate aroma of flowers will forever remind me of my mom now. After a private viewing for family only - friends, acquaintances, and even people who had never personally met my mom came to pay their respects. I was overwhelmed with the number of people who filled the parlor. I was greeted with the warmest hugs and deepest condolences. I could truly feel the love right there in that room.

It's easy in those moments to get carried away with all the friends and family members mingling about. The hugs, the "I'm sorry's," the catching up. But, it's in the moments when you look into someone's eyes and see the pain, that all the emotions flood back into you. I looked at my mom's best friend [whom I’ve always called ‘Aunt Linda’] and my heart broke... again. I could see the devastation, the shock, the grief. She was left here on Earth without her best friend of over 50 years. She's left with the hope that my mom would somehow find a way to "call" her, like she promised to do just hours before she died.

The following morning, my Mom's service was held in the chapel. Again, I was humbled to see nearly every seat filled as we honored my mother that day. She was loved. So very loved.

The service was the most beautiful service I could have imagined. I stared ahead at the picture of my mom, rubbed my brother's back, and leaned on my Dad's shoulder. We were all hurting. And there was the picture of my mom with eyes as blue as the shirt she was wearing, just smiling back at us.

After my two brothers, my nephew, and I shared some words about my Mom, the pastor started his eulogy. About half way through, the door of the chapel gently opened by itself and the pastor said, "Come on in, Carol!" She was there. I know it.

We departed and the procession drove to my Mom's final resting place, in the same cemetery where we had gone for years to visit her own mother's grave. She had a beautiful spot in the sunlight picked out just for her [and my dad to join her one day.]

I sat there, in front of my mom's casket, still in shock. I shed some tears and tried saying the last words to her that I could conjure up. The funeral director let us take the metal rosettes from her casket to keep with us. I took several roses from her flower arrangement as well.

I knelt down, resting my hands on the top of the casket, and cried with her. I knew my moments with her physically were over. I had given her my last hug, kiss on the forehead, and held her hand for the last time. But, this was the last chance I had with the symbol of her physical form here on Earth. Although she may be gone, she will forever be my sweet Mom.

Warm Winter’s Night

I am so touched by the wonderful support I’ve received from my guest post on Katie’s blog yesterday. I wish I could hug every single one of you for your sweet comments, emails, tweets, and just for reading and being there for me! For all of you new readers, I’m so glad to have you and promise once life starts to get back to “normal” I’ll be blogging about happier things. In fact, I’ll just go ahead and write a happy post today!

The temperature here in the DC area yesterday was about 70 degrees. 70 degrees! I can’t say I’m surprised though given the extremely mild Winter that was had. Pretty much zero snow.

While some people wore flip-flops, skirts, or shorts to work yesterday, I wore a light cotton [LC Lauren Conrad] blouse, skinny jeans and flats [I usually wear boots so cut me some slack!] This is mostly because I’m just always freezing and will have to wait until it’s 90 degrees until I break out the skirts and sandals. Here’s a glimpse of what I looked like:

However, I did one thing last night that reminded me of the Summer – drove with my sunroof open. There’s been the occasional time in the Winter on a sunny day where I’ll open it. But, last night was different.

It was just warm. A comfortable, safe warm. Like being wrapped up in the arms of the one you loved.
As I drove with the sunroof open, I felt a slight breeze graze across my hair. It was gentle. Calm.
It’s almost as if the warm weather changed the mood of the city. It was as if I could feel the air smiling.
It was happy. Light. Good.

While I know this warm weather won’t be here permanently yet, it was a nice reminder of what is to come.
The warm, gentle night was a breath of fresh air.
It was another reminder of all there is to look forward to in the coming months.

So, I’m okay. I’m smiling. I’m living. And I know the warmth of the future will keep me going strong.

Have a wonderful and safe weekend, friends. Sending you many hugs! xoxo

What January Teaches Me

This blog is not yet a year old, and obviously many things have happened prior to the start of this blog which brought me to where I am today. I’ve mentioned before that the holidays are a big time of remembrance and reflection for me. I had many big things happen around that time last year. Same goes for the month of January. There’s one date in particular.

January 22nd.

Last year’s January 22nd was very significant. Maybe this time next year, I’ll have some deep reflections about it to share. However, today, let’s talk about 2010. On January 22, 2010 I got into my car, as packed up as it could possibly be and drove across the country to Utah. I had been there once before. I did not have a job set up or any furniture. Nothing. Just myself, a couple suitcases, a 6-month lease, an air mattress, a few acquaintances, and my GPS. Most people found it hard to believe or even understand. I’m definitely not known for being a risk-taker and that was probably one of the riskiest things I had ever done before.

I knew while I was still in college that I needed a big change and that the change would most likely happen with a big move. California was the ideal place. With money and economy the way it has been, California was looking a little too dangerous at the time. I knew I wanted to be out West. So, I considered Phoenix and Salt Lake City – each with decent costs of living. I ended up deciding on Salt Lake City after I made a 5-day visit out there in the Summer of 2009. I knew a few people there and the large church community out there would certainly be a huge help in making new friends. So, I did it. I moved.

The drive out there was amazing. I traveled through states I never thought I’d see {Wyoming} and felt so ridiculously excited for what was to come next in my life. It was the newest chapter I had ever started. After two days of driving, I had finally arrived in my new home. With the help of two guys {one of whom later became my husband} my car was unpacked, my air mattress was blown up, and I was ready to start life in Utah!

The next few months were some of the most unpredictable, live-in-the-moment months that I have ever experienced. I went totally out of my comfort zone and tried meeting as many people as possible through church and other activities. About two weeks after settling into my new home, there was a retreat up at a cabin in Idaho that I was invited to. Idaho? Never been! Clearly, I had to go. So, I did! It was a fun, snowy weekend full of playing games, watching movies, and adventuring out into the snow… in Montana.

Yes, Montana. One day, we ventured off to West Yellowstone for a day of walking around, shopping, and sightseeing. The roads were covered in ice/snow and most people got around by way of snowmobile. Pretty cool, huh? The town itself was very quaint and friendly; exactly what you’d expect of a little Western town :) Check out that snow drift in the last picture!

A couple of us left Idaho Sunday morning at 6am to make it back in time for a meeting before church. While at church, a friend of mine {from Orange County, CA} mentioned that he decided he’s going to go home for a few days and told me I should come hang out {he knew how much I LOVED California!} I knew I had to go. How often do you get an opportunity like that?
So, that night, I did my laundry and re-packed my suitcase before leaving for Orange County the next morning. It was exhilarating. I felt so alive! {Want to see pictures? Perhaps I should do a future post on that!}

I knew that there would only be certain times in my life where I could live that way – like a free bird :) It was crazy and amazing all at the same time. I had just moved all the way across the country and then I was driving and jetting off to surrounding states, seeing this beautiful country of ours and learning more about myself and what I want out of life.

That was two years ago. Thinking back to that time really helped put things into perspective for me. I think lately I had really taken the backseat approach to my own life. I was sitting, waiting, hoping for things to happen. I was unsure, undecided, and timid. That’s NOT who I was two years ago and that’s NOT who I want to go on being. I decided it’s time to take control of my own life and really go after the things I want and become the person I want to be.

With the new year and with my most recent birthday {all within the past three weeks} I’ve made some big steps and I’ve seen the changes in my life taking place.

Today is January 23rd, and marks another new start in my life. Maybe that’s how every January 23rd is. The day after. The fresh day full of the beauty of another new start.
Whether you have a significant date each year or not, remember that every day is a new start. It’s a chance to turn things around or start living the life you’ve always wanted. Chase after your dreams. Go on that trip, even if it’s last minute. See the world. Do a favor for someone just because. Smile. Live.

{Also, you can find me over here today talking all about one of my biggest guilty pleasures!}

Missing My Old Home

There are things I miss about my old home. Salt Lake City. The great Western state of Utah. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately and next week you’ll find out why. I think once you’ve been somewhere for a while and when things get tough, you sometimes lose appreciation for the little things. Which is what happened to me the longer I lived there.

I left Utah on horrible terms. At that point, I was ready to leave and didn’t take much time {or any time} to say goodbye. While I can’t say that state was the greatest match for me, it became my home and I definitely miss it now, looking back.

Salt Lake City and the surrounding area {aka beautiful Park City} are known for their snow. I couldn’t get over how much it snowed last year. It started in October and lasted through April/May. I was told it was “dry” snow which, yes, does make it much more pleasant to deal with than the wet snow we get here on the East Coast. However, when it snows that much and you’re not used to it, it gets pretty overwhelming.

Example #1: Chances are, when I walked out to my car in the morning to go to work, this is what it would look like:

I quickly learned that snow is not as dreamy as it looks while falling and that literally digging your car out of the snow every morning gets old. But, I still miss how beautiful it was and how at almost any point of the year, you could always look up at those mountains and find snow.

Even in the middle of Spring while at a baseball game…

Regardless, I still miss it. Mainly because I miss putting on all my snowboarding gear to go make snow angels.

I miss the sights. One of the things I loved most about Utah was the scenery. I could never get over the mountains.
It’s funny… when I first moved out there and told people I was from the DC area, they’d say, “Oh, it’s so beautiful out there with all of the forests!” The forests? I just call them woods. I could have gone on to tell them how the “forests” are all being cut down due to over-population and the demand to build more homes and the government taking over the entire area and all the wildlife being forced out of their natural habitats but instead, I’d just say, “I think it’s prettier out here!” :)

Not having trees everywhere resulted in the most gorgeous sights of the lights in the valley every night.

And I can’t even tell you how many rainbow pictures I have. You’d think I lived in Hawaii!

And do I even need to say how much I love sunsets? :)

I miss the close-proximity of everything.
I could walk to my gym, grocery store, movie theatre, church, and Target, Home Depot, Barnes & Noble, and everything else were within a two-minute drive.
Park City was twenty minutes from my house.
And, if I wanted to, I could drive 4-5 hours south to the beautiful red rock of Southern Utah or go a little bit further to Vegas.

Park City on a quiet weekend morning

Speaking of Park City, I miss Furburbia – the animal adoption center that we fostered animals for. It was one of THE most amazing experiences of my life to take Bronson, Kip, and Lani, Kiki, and Pearl into my heart and home until they eventually found their forever homes. They blessed my life :)

I miss the sushi.

The only sushi I had eaten prior to moving to Utah was the kind you buy at the grocery store. Then, I was introduced to real sushi. Along with coconut and pineapple, I could eat sushi 24/7. Sushi out West > Sushi back East. Proven.

I miss the Utah Jazz. The Jazz are my team. You see, in DC everyone claims to be a “Redskins” fan or a “Nationals” fan. While, yes, my family was born and bred to be Redskins fans, I’ve never been emotionally invested with them year-round like I was and still am with the Jazz. Going to games, going to the NBA Draft Party, meeting players, and running into them at the movies and restaurants – it was an amazing experience. Not to mention, our arena is known to be the loudest arena in the NBA. Bam! Just sayin’…

There are other things I miss as well and I’m sad I didn’t truly say goodbye to Utah. But, maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe that means I’ll go back someday, even if just for a short visit.

I think wherever we live, we leave a big part of our heart there and we become forever changed by that place. Utah changed me, and I’d like to think it was for the better :)

Just Hold On

You’re probably expecting a Las Vegas recap by now, right? I’m taking my time on that. It will be a pretty big post {or two} so I’ll have to keep you waiting a little bit longer. I promise there will be good pictures and stories though :) Today, I’d like to reflect on how my Sunday went. As many of you know, I’ve been doing quite a bit of traveling lately and this was my first Sunday back in the DC area in a few weeks.

Church was on the agenda. In Virginia, I’ve only regularly gone to one church which is five minutes down the street from me. It was a congregation full of families living in this area. Well, my church also offers congregations of young singles – no families, no babies, just a bunch of people around the same age going to church. So, I figured I might as well start meeting with that congregation. I looked up church times. You’re assigned to a church time/location based on your location. The nearest building where singles would be meeting was about 30 minutes away and church started at 8:00am.

8:00. In the morning. Which meant I woke up at 6:00 for church.
It gets better.

I knew there were two different groups of singles meeting in this one building and according to the times listed, they were both meeting at 8:00am. That didn’t quite sound right to me. So, when I was walking in, I asked a guy where I could find my particular group. He said, “Oh, they meet here. But, not until 11:30.”
I beg your pardon.

Welp, I wasn’t about to either a) Drive half an hour back home only to drive back at 11:30 or b) Sit around for 3 and a half hours. So, I said to him, “Looks like I’m coming to church with you all today!” He promised I’d have a good time regardless.

Now, here’s where it begins looking up. I start walking into the chapel only to run into a girl I know! What are the odds? We hugged, she told me to come sit with her, and we chatted away until church started. Tell me that didn’t work out perfectly.

Here’s where I’ll say that I never plan to become preachy or super religious. I will, however, share some thoughts, lessons, or insights I receive whether I get them from church, a book, or even another person :)

So many of the things I heard in church yesterday were just what I needed to hear.
In one lesson, there was mention of something known as the “mist of darkness.” This girl told a story about her father who fought in Vietnam. He had said that at one point, the fog was so thick that they couldn’t see the person in front of them nor could they hear a thing. Can you imagine that?
Maybe, figuratively speaking, you’ve been there before. I think we all have in some way or another.
Stuck in the thickest of fogs. We can’t see. We can’t hear. We know there is a way out but we can’t see it for ourselves.

Well, this girl mentioned how you can’t just flick on a flashlight to help you see your way through. The only thing you can do is hold on to the one thing you know will guide you out of that darkness.

{via}

What is that one thing for you?
Is it your faith? Your family? Your dreams?

We might not always be able to see the big picture or even the way out of a difficult, challenging time. But, we must keep holding on and keep going.

Just something to think about :)

Is My Fear Being Conquered?

I guess that conquering a fear means you are no longer afraid of that thing. If you know me or have been following my blog for a while or perhaps have just read the little About Me on the right-hand side, you know that flying has been one of my biggest fears. I remember the first time I flew in a plane was when I was about 8 or 9. We were on our way to Disney World and every time I’d hear something strange, I’d ask my dad what it was. He’d explain that it was the wing or landing gear. I was fine.

I flew to Europe when I was 15 and I was absolutely fine then too.

Back and forth to Disney World again for dance competitions. Still fine.

Then, I started traveling alone for work. You can put me in a car for 12 hours by myself and I’m fine. Make me stay in a hotel for a week alone, I’m fine then too. But, for some reason, I started flying alone more often than not and I developed the WORST anxiety for flying. Take-off to be exact. I know, I know all you little daredevil-rollercoaster-loving people think I’m crazy.

But my fear really started to affect me physically. The night before I would leave, I couldn’t sleep. On the drive to the airport, I’d develop the biggest knot in my stomach and as soon as I boarded the plane, I’d start breathing rather heavily. As soon as we taxied out and I heard the engines start to speed up, my heart would beat faster than I knew was possible. My hands would tremble, everything would spin and I literally thought I would go into cardiac arrest. Ask anyone who’s flown with me the past several years – it’s not a pretty sight.

It’s like the fear took over my body. Xanax would help calm my heart and put me a bit more at ease, but I’d still go into panic mode.
I decided I’d try NyQuil instead. That helped too. Now, when I’m sick, that stuff knocks me out. When I’m flying on a plane, that stuff does NOT knock me out. My body still goes through too much panic to completely relax. For someone who flies quite frequently, I couldn’t understand why I had such a fear/anxiety of take-off and why it only seemed to progressively get worse.

{via}

Then, this past weekend happened and I started to notice a change.

I am someone who loves to travel. Love is probably an understatement. I feel completely alive when I’m traveling, even if that means waking up at the crack of dawn and not going to sleep for another 24 hours due to layovers and time changes. In just the past week or so I flew on 6 different flights. Did I get anxiety moments leading up to take-off? Yes. However, I started to notice a change, especially in the last two flights.

My prayers were a little less excessive. {I have to say the same prayer over and over as soon as we start to taxi away from the gate until take-off. OCD? Perhaps.}
My heart was beating at a normal rate.
I actually looked out the window as we raced down the runway!!!
I even kind of, sort of watched as we got higher and higher up into the air. That didn’t last too long though. Vertigo set in.

But, for the first time ever, as I realized what was happening and the big changes that had occurred, I asked myself one question:

Is my fear being conquered?

I’m still not entirely sure what exactly it was that made that fear subside. It wasn’t completely gone but the physical trembles and shakes and rapid heart rate had dissipated. I felt a small sense of peace in a place I hadn’t felt it in a long time.

Other than spiders, maybe fear really is something that can be conquered. Maybe we don’t always have the solution or the cure, but maybe one day our body just learns to let go of that fear. I never gave up.
No matter how fearful I became or how badly my hands shook during take-off, I never stopped wanting to travel and I never stopped traveling.
I never let that fear hold me back.

So, whatever your fear may be, I encourage you to never lose sight of the things you love. Let those things be what pushes you through the fear.
Maybe one day your fear will dissipate too :)

Through Our Own Eyes

If you know me, you know I’m a firm-believer in everything happening for a reason. I believe that God/a Higher Power/The Universe have created our story and it’s up to us to write it through our own eyes. I also believe that nothing is just a coincidence.

On Saturday, I was at the gym running. Now, when I go to the gym on a weekday, I always go around the same time and see all the “regulars.” However, I had never been before at this time on a Saturday. It was just me and a bunch of strangers {oh, and some people I went to high school with.}

There I was, on the treadmill, looking around, glancing up every so often at the TV’s and then doing a little people watching. I saw a man walk in front of me. He was probably in his early thirties.

The first thing I noticed: his eye was watering to the point where he took his finger and discreetly wiped the area underneath his eye.

The next thing I noticed: something seemed wrong with his eye. I’m not an expert on eye conditions, but it seemed as though he might be {at least partially} blind in that eye.

I watched as he left the gym. My heart was heavy. I wanted to cry.

I had no idea why but I was just overcome with emotion.

I know in the Spring when my allergies get bad, it’s common for my eyes to just start watering like crazy when I’m out in public. I tend to feel kind of silly. But, that was just because of allergies. Chances are, this man had a condition that was much worse. I put myself in his shoes for a moment. I tried to imagine what his work-out had been like - what it’s like to be him each day - if it’s common for his eyes to water up - if it hurts. As I watched him leave, that was when it hit me – while I’m thankful for SO many of the little things, I’m so truly grateful for the BIG things as well.

My vision. My eyes.

Health. Shelter. Food. Family and friends. Being alive.

I don’t know when my time here will be up; when my last page will be turned, and that scares me. But, I want to make my time here count. I want to make a difference. In a world of so much terror and evil, I want to find the beauty.

Maybe I’ll see that man again. Maybe he’ll become a “regular.” Or, perhaps, he was like that of an angel. Maybe our paths were meant to cross just that one instance. Either way, I’m grateful for the people who help me see the beauty in this world… especially through tragedy.

 

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Pay attention to the things you see today, even if it is through someone else’s eyes…

Room Full of Chairs

It’s a weird time. A time of transition and newness mixed with familiar territory among the unknown.

It’s the pen sitting on the ruffled paper mid-sentence lost in forming the words.

It’s the silence in the middle of the chilly night with nothing but a nightstand beside you.

It’s the tiny, beautiful moments like the color of the sky come quarter to five. The moments that you try so hard to erase the other feelings with.

It’s the clock ticking by ever so swiftly yet the months feel like years.

It’s the puzzle with the missing piece that you keep around for years, although you know the piece is gone forever.

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It’s the feeling of being alone in a room full of chairs.

Make That Change

It’s that time of year to think about all that we are grateful for. I’m grateful for change. As hard as it may be at some times, change means that we are learning, growing, and becoming.

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Time certainly can help change things. But, let’s ask ourselves where the change really stems from. Time can push things along, make things go away, etc. However, we are the ones who allow that change to happen. At some point, we make the decision to change. Change usually does happen over time. It’s a process. But, I think once we are able to start that process, we will truly start to see change occur in many aspects of our lives.

As many of you know, I moved back to my hometown in Virginia from Utah about three months ago. It’s been a process. Time has flown by, but, I can look back at my life two months and even one month ago and see the change that has occurred. Today, another big step will be taking place.

Today, I officially will become a Virginia resident again!

This time last year, I was officially becoming a Utah resident; getting my Utah Driver’s License, getting my Utah plates, and switching my car insurance over to Utah, etc. {I waited 11 months to do that. Oops!} Now, here I am switching it all back over to Virginia. And, you know what? It feels right.

Who knows where I’ll end up {let’s just be honest and say “California” one day} but for now, this is where I’m meant to be. It’ll be a new step for me to say goodbye to my plates with the slogan “The Greatest Snow on Earth” on them. It’s a small but necessary step in moving on from the life I once lived and onto something new and better. It’s one more thing I can do to make these changes myself :)

“If you want to make the world a better place
take a look at yourself then make that change.”
-Michael Jackson

Getting Lost in a Map

Maps fascinate me. I admit, I sat here for the past hour {with a migraine and small green dots seeming to appear all over the screen} scrolling through Google Maps. I looked at the distance between where I am now and where I’d like to go, where I am now and where I used to be, and studied names of towns I’ve never heard of. What started off as me looking at the state of Vermont, later turned into me scrolling over the blue ocean, studying Cuba and its distance to islands I’ve been to.

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What is it that fascinates me so much?

Maybe it’s the fact that every little state above is SO different from the other and even more different than lands across the ocean.

Maybe it’s the fact that there are so many quaint towns that I’ve never even heard of before that each have their own culture and customs and stories.

Maybe it’s the memories I’ve made in so many of these places.

Maybe it’s the possibility of new memories being made in places where I’ve yet to set foot.

{A map of films. Shout out to my high school in Remember the Titans. Just sayin’}

I also admit that sometimes I will go on Google Maps and take that little orange guy {you know, the one who will take you to street view} and will randomly drop him anywhere in the U.S. In case you’re wondering, right now I’m in the middle-of-nowhere North Dakota. Although it’s not live, it kind of gives me the chance to “go” places and see what communities and landscapes are like in other parts of the country. I’ve even been to Canada via the orange guy!

Some may think it’s strange, but it’s my way of “exploring” when I can’t actually go and explore. There are times where I have spent an hour or two doing this. It usually ends with me looking up real estate in places I’ve come across but that’s a post for another day.

But, I just get completely enthralled. I wonder what the homes, terrain, and streets look like in these unknown cities. I wonder if the people have accents and how they spend their days.

You’re probably wondering what sparked all of this. Well, last night at dinner, Whitney and I were discussing travel/moving and it really got me excited and determined to see more of this country and more of this world. There are foods waiting to be tasted, sights waiting to be seen, fragrances waiting to be smelt, and many, many pictures waiting to be taken. Until then, I’ll have to explore these places from afar.

So, I invite you, when you get some free time, to get “lost” in a map for a while. Explore. Find somewhere new. Find beauty in the unknown.

Where have you found yourself looking on a map? What places fascinate you?

We Are All Wanderers

Some days I wonder what it would be like to live the life of a gypsy. That’s right – a gypsy. I’m not talking about the modern-age “traveler” that you see on TLC’s “My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding” but the real, traditional gypsy.

I wonder what it would be like to live in a caravan. A quaint, little space that took me all over, wherever my heart led me to. I would be surrounded by flickering candles, warm lanterns, and smooth, rich wood.

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Inside my caravan, you would find all things welcoming. Bright colors, intricate beading, plush pillows and throw blankets.

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And lastly, I would adorn myself with layer upon layer of soft, billowy fabric; with the intricate beading and lots of jewels.

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But, aside from all the colors and textures and bold richness, I’d have that overwhelming sense of freedom.
I could go wherever the wind would take me.
And, as soon as my time was done in one place, it would be on to the next.
There, I could learn and rediscover all those little simplicities in life.

I’d find peace within my soul and peace within the little caravan I called “home.”
Those things within my four little walls – the plush pillows, the fuzzy blankets, the glowing lanterns – they would all remain the same while everything on the outside changed.

I’m sure as I traveled to new places, I’d collect things along the way.
Things to remind me of where I’ve been and where I’ve yet to go.

“We are all wanderers on this earth.
Our hearts are full of wonder, and our souls are deep with dreams.”
-Gypsy Saying

 

The Stories and Acts of Life

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It feels like I’ve been staring at the computer screen for hours. I mentally debated over what to post about today – what I did last weekend, something funny, etc. As the time ticked on, I turned more and more ideas down. Maybe this post isn’t really going to make much sense, maybe it will resonate with even just one person who reads this.

There have been so many thoughts on my mind as of late, obviously. Some days I wonder when this period of my life will be over – when will my mind just be clear of it all, when will the dark circles that miraculously appeared under my eyes disappear, when will the next chapter begin?

But, then I think about the stories in a book; the acts in a play. When the next chapter or scene begins, not everything prior has abruptly ended, has it? Act Two begins with stories and events from Act One trickling down and eventually coming to an end while new characters are introduced and new events unfold. I’m realizing this about life too as I continue to find things to laugh about, see the beauty in everyday life, learn, and make new friends and memories.

“It’s a process.”
That’s what I say to myself and to my friends when they ask how I’m doing.

It’s been oddly comforting to instantly bond with someone who’s been through a similar situation, to have friends ask me 101 questions because they’ve never been through anything remotely similar and are curious, and also to watch heartbreaking movies like Blue Valentine. Yes, it’s a sad movie but, guess what. My life is not a friggin’ fairytale. Not all stories are happy go-lucky. Real life can be tragic and ugly and it can hurt.

But, all sad stories have the chance to be turned around into something positive in the next chapter or perhaps in the sequel.

I’ve never really considered myself to be an optimist. In fact, I’ve seen how being overly positive can act as a shield; a disguise and can, in turn, destroy something. The trick is to find a balance. Take a bad situation and really feel the pain, the hurt, the sadness – whatever it is - really feel it, accept it, and then learn from it. Find a way to make it change your life for the better.

I’ve taken the time to let myself feel it to the point where some days I could hardly eat, some nights I could barely sleep, and Kleenex boxes wound up empty. But, I’ll tell you one thing – each and every day that passed by, I got out of bed, I got ready, I faced the world, and I found something to be grateful for and to learn from. Some days {like yesterday} are more monumental than others, but each day is a stepping stone.

I made the decision to live a life of happiness and prosperity and growth.

The chapters in my book are still being written. I see how, as one page is turned, new stories are being created as old ones fade out. My focus is to keep writing, keep creating, keep becoming.

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I know there are women {and men} all over the world who also feel “stuck between chapters” of their lives during times of hurt and heartbreak. Whether you’ve been following my blog, or just stumbled across it today, know I’m just an email away if you ever need a shoulder to lean on :)