The Truth About Christmas Without Mom

If you've lost your mother, you may hear a phrase every so often: "I know this time of year is tough for you." Right now, Christmastime is that time of the year. This will be the second Christmas without my mom and I must say, it's much more difficult than last year was.

My last Christmas picture with my mom. 2009 at my work Holiday Party.

Last year was the first Christmas without my mom alive. I had moved to San Diego and flew back to the East Coast for about a week to spend time with family for what I knew was going to be a tough holiday for us. Although the year of "firsts" is painful, the shock of her death, at least for me, was still very much a factor last year. There was a lot of numbness, as I will still undergoing the different stages of grief. The death of my mother was unexpected and came without much warning. I went from having an argument with my mom one day to sitting by her bedside in the hospital as she took her last breath several days later. We had no idea, none at all, that 2011 would or even could be our last Christmas with her.

So Christmas 2012 was all about it "being the first Christmas without Mom." The numbness still wearing off, coupled with the pressure of trying to make it a good Christmas despite the empty chair at our dinner table, meant the utter pain was not as evident. It was masked. We all tried extra hard to feel the love she created every Christmas.

But this year, this Christmas... I feel double the amount of pain as last year. I'm no longer numb. I could feel the deep, pulsating pain as it started creeping in around Thanksgiving. I could start to sense it in my other family members too. My parents' house went undecorated. The Christmas tree remained unlit. The Spirit of Christmas was nowhere to be found and every time "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" found its way onto the radio, I found myself rolling my eyes.

I tried to feel the Magic. I tried to get excited thinking about candy canes and snowflakes and stockings hung up. But, well, there were no candy canes, snowflakes, or stockings this year. My mom was the Spirit of Christmas. She was the one to decorate the house so magically, to dress up the presents with perfect ribbons and bows and to get the family all excited for spending the holiday together. As much as I've tried to keep them going, I've seen the traditions fade away this year. I've felt the pain with every mention of "Christmas." It's a shame, but it's the truth and that's why I'm writing about it here today.

Because I know that there are other people out there, some which I know personally and some that are strangers who are feeling this same pain that I write about. They know deep down, aside from all of the fluff and positive talk that nothing will replace the void that is felt while looking at the empty chair at the table and seeing the bare spot under the tree where her presents once were placed.

Part of my heart will forever be hollow all year, but during this time especially. I know that one day, with my own children, my heart will be filled in a different way. But nothing, nothing at all, will ever erase the pain of not having my sweet mom on Christmas.

She is missed.

Home for the Holidays

I know, I know. You've been impatiently awaiting my Christmas blog post. Thanks for your patience :) As I mentioned earlier, I was lucky enough to fly back to Virginia just two and a half weeks after arriving in San Diego. I don't know what I was originally thinking when I thought I'd be fine staying in SD for Christmas. It was the first Christmas without Mom and I knew I needed to be home with everyone.

So, it was an early morning shuttle ride to the airport where I said "see you later" to SoCal and off to DC I went!

Although it had only been a short while since I had seen him, there's something special about your dad greeting you at the airport during the holidays. [This was my first time flying home for the holidays. When I lived in Utah, I stayed in Utah.] There may or may not have been a little snow on the ground when I landed in DC. Whaaat?!

It was late so we grabbed a bite to eat and went back to my parents' house. I was immediately welcomed with the warm scent of "home" and beautiful decor everywhere. My dad did a wonderful job bringing my mom's decorations back to life. The below sign has always been my favorite [my mom got it for me since it's my favorite song!]

The next couple days were very busy, helping my dad with some Christmas shopping and getting all the groceries and recipes together. There was a lot to do that my mom had been such a natural at! Big shoes to fill. On Christmas Eve, my brothers and their families came over for our big celebration together.

I made stuffed celery and my deviled eggs for hors d'oeuvres and we had some other dips and cheese and crackers! My mom's rotelle dip is always a hit! Aubrey and I had a fun photo booth style photo sesh, then it was dinner time, followed by presents and dessert!

On Christmas morning, we finished wrapping presents [listen, flying across the country and not having a free second until Christmas morning causes things like that to happen!] then half of the family came over and we went to the cemetery to visit my sweet mom.

Aubrey is starting to understand that "Grammie" is in Heaven and understands that our cat, Missy, is there too. When we ask her, "Where's Missy?" she responds, "Heaven Grammie." Bless her little heart.

I didn't have enough time at the cemetery to get emotional about the fact that I was visiting  a plot in the grass to wish my mom a Merry Christmas. But it hurt. Oh, did it hurt. Not having her with us. Not having her hugs. Not hearing her voice. Not seeing her gallivanting around the house amongst all the commotion. Nothing was the same.

We went back to the house and my brother cooked us all "breakfast for dinner" and then we opened the last of the presents. I know she was there with us, but it just wasn't the same. 

[Trying on her vest from Aunt Chelsea and her hat from Papa.]

[Brother and Sister]

I spent some time with friends, saw a little bit of snow, said my goodbyes, and then headed back to San Diego for good a couple days later. It was actually harder to leave this time than it was when I moved. It was the finality of it. The uncertainty of when I'd be back. But I knew San Diego had become home now and I was so happy about that.

The DC area will always have my heart and I have one wonderful family to always go back and visit. I love them with all my heart :)

A Festive Old Town

If I'm not behind in blogging about my life, then what am I? Let's rewind to about a month ago when we were all sipping on eggnog and apple cider and singing "Silent Night." Although I had only been in San Diego for about two and a half weeks, I had the chance to fly back home for about 6 days to spend the holiday with my family.

I wouldn't be arriving in DC until after dinner time on the 21st of December so I knew that my Christmas shopping needed to be completed in San Diego and able to be transported via United Airlines. I needed to be smart and creative. I bought a few things for my brother and niece and then just knew I had to go to Old Town San Diego to shop for my dad. So, what's a girl to wear while day shopping outside in San Diego?

Old Town is a place my family went to while here visiting my brother years ago during Christmas. I knew that venturing back there would bring back great memories of our time together. It's nice knowing I'm already familiar with so many places in my new city :)

I just want it to be known that I took this picture of the Christmas tree moments after a homeless man, his dog, and a rooster on top of the dog's head walked by. So, that happened...

Old Town San Diego is considered the "birth place" of California and is the site of the first Spanish settlement. Because of that, Old Town still has many of the original buildings and characteristics from the 1800's and is full of Spanish and Mexican influence! Since my dad studied abroad in Mexico, he has always had a connection with that culture and I knew I'd find his presents in Old Town :) I also came across a lot of other fun finds!

Good thing I had already finished shopping for my niece, Aubrey, because those dresses might just have made it home with me. Aren't they adorable?

Old Town is also home to the most haunted house in the United States, according to the Travel Channel. The Whaley House! We toured the Whaley House on our trip to San Diego in the past and let me just tell you this much... it's all very true. Walking through the narrow hallways and up and down the wooden staircase, my legs were so heavy; I felt as if I was walking through water. I kid you not, friends!

After quickly scurrying by the Whaley House, which was closed at the time, I was on the hunt for a delicious churro. Years ago, Old Town was also the first place I had ever had a churro and I never forgot it! I searched and searched. I finally found the place we had gone to before but was disappointed when I saw the churros were sold out. What?!

I continued walking and slowly starting admitting to myself that it just wasn't in the stars when, BAM! There was a "CHURROS!" sign right in front of me! I walked inside to a cozy little coffee/dessert place we have here called The Living Room. The girl complimented me on my pants... and then my necklace... and then said we must have the same style because she has the same Michael Kors watch as me. We're BFFs.

They made my churro and my new friend even brought it out to me. What awesome service!

They don't mess around with churros in San Diego! Yum.

And after finishing that scrumptious churro, I was headed back to my house. [Okay, so I might have made a stop by Home Goods first...]

I love Old Town so much. I am a total dork for old historical places and walking around, people watching, and enjoying the beautiful and sunny San Diego weather. And in case you're wondering, I ended up finding several Mexican-influenced/Day of the Dead things for my dad and a pretty sterling silver bracelet for my sister-in-law. Talk about a productive day!

My Christmas Angel

Merry Christmas to my angel.

This year just won't be the same without your light.

Your energy. Your laugh. Your hugs.

There will be an empty chair at the table.
An empty stocking.

An empty space under the tree.

You started so many of our Christmas traditions.

You gave the most thoughtful gifts and always managed to give me something totally random to throw me off.

We'll all remember the tradition you started of putting hints on the gift tag.

"Who's that one from, Chels?"

I'll miss watching you open your presents but always being the last one to finish because you wanted everyone to open their gifts first.

I'll miss the excitement in your eyes.

I'll miss your messy morning hair and your little slippers.

As we open our presents this year, as we say grace, and as we say goodnight... the moments will be a little more silent.

Christmas will never, ever be the same.

I'll have my angel watching over me.

But I'll always miss my Mom's Christmas hug.

Merry Christmas, Mommy.

We miss you.

‘Twas A Merry Christmas

While it’s hard to believe that Christmas is over, it was certainly a very merry one. I woke up Christmas morning, snuggled next to the cat below and, sure enough, Santa had been here!!

Stella does not like to be held but I had to get the family photo!

Next, we opened presents! Santa was surely good to me this year :)

 

I opened some lovely presents such as clothes, gold jewelryyy, a new pair of boots, MAC/iTunes gift cards, and these pretty goodies above {Haute as Hello by Essie and the Naked Eye Palette by Urban Decay plus a few other items!} from the sweet and beautiful Shalyn!

My favorite, most-prized gift this year:

Michael Kors Tortoise & Gold Runway Chronograph Watch. I’m in love!

The house was full of so much joy, ready for all the family that would be on their way!

 

Yep, I made place cards :)

My niece, Miss Aubrey all dressed up for Christmas :)

Me and my brother, Justin.

My nephew and other brother wearing his vintage Orioles helmet that Justin found in the basement :)

My parents with my nephew, Jeremy :)

Auntie and Niecey
16-month-olds are about as hard to get pictures with as cats.

The night ended with Rock Band – annual Christmas tradition. Sadly, I won’t be posting any video footage, haha.

It was wonderful to be home for Christmas this year; to be surrounded by close family, delicious food, and the laughter {whenever I’m around my nephew and my two brothers, I’m bound to be laughing hysterically. That definitely happened this year. My nephew dropped to the ground cracking up and I could hardly breathe. Typical!}

There is so much to be thankful for. I made sure to squeeze everyone a little tighter and to say “Merry Christmas” more times than was probably necessary.
I love Christmastime and this year was no exception.
As we say goodbye to this season of joy, may we never lose sight of all the things we’re grateful for and the things that make this season so magical :)

How was your Christmas? :)

I’ll Be Home For Christmas

I love to look back on past Christmases. Whether I was four years old and getting the greatest Christmas gift ever – my pink Hot Wheels Barbie Corvette - or all the fun Christmas Eve nights we’d spend laughing hysterically with family in Maryland. Christmastime is full of memories. Aside from one Christmas in San Diego and last year in Salt Lake, I’ve always been home for the holidays.

Last year was definitely difficult for me. It was my first Christmas without my family. The idea of waking up in a house all by myself and not being able to bounce down the stairs to shout, “MERRY CHRISTMAS! HAS SANTA BEEN HERE YET?!?!” was a bit sad. Luckily, I had some extended family to spend the holiday with. My then-fiancé and I volunteered to feed homeless families that morning and then spent the rest of the day with his family. I remember calling home that night, putting everyone on speaker and getting to talk to each family member as they opened presents. Sure, it was tough being the only one not there…

But, it made this year even more special. Is this year going to be perfect? No, of course not. This Christmas is hard for other reasons and there might be a burnt cookie or mis-labeled present. However, that’s just part of Christmas, right? It’s about birth, being alive, family, giving, and joy. So, no matter where you are this Christmas or what this year has brought you, just take a moment {or two} to be grateful.

{via}

I’d be fine with just one.

Okay, but in all seriousness…

{via}

This year I’ll be taking the time to enjoy the little moments of Christmas -- The excitement of waking up on Christmas morning, the carols playing softly in the background, the sound of my cat Stella’s paws crunching on all the Christmas paper for the first time, the glow of the lights on the tree, the laughter of family members, and the magical feeling of Christmas no matter your age.

‘Tis the season, my friends.

Wishing you all a beautiful and Merry Christmas!